Screw those queer guys . . . wait that didn't sound right

Chris’s Rules of Fashion

1. Polo shirts are the devil.  I think they’re ugly and I hate them and hate people that wear them.


2. Untucked is superior to tucked in every way.  Unless I’m wearing a suit, my shirt is almost certainly untucked.  Tucking in your shirt is one step away from wearing a tie, and would you even think of wearing a tie to go to class?  Not unless you’re Alex Keaton.  And guess what?  You’re not.


3. I don’t often wear belts.  My pants fit, and my shirt’s untucked, so why wear a belt?  Because the belt industry tells you to?  Do you do everything the belt industry says?


4. No argyle.  It’s ugly.  I have no rational reason for disliking it.  But that doesn’t stop me from disliking weathermen.


5. Layers are a necessary evil.  I would love to wear a single layer (perhaps two) at all times, but it’s not possible.  The multi-shirt look (plus sweaters/jackets/Kevlar) doesn’t appear to be going anywhere, so I have to wear an extra layer or two.  At least it cuts down on hypothermia.  


6. Because I am conforming enough to societal fashion standards as to wear layers, they must be extremely thin.  I refuse to feel like the kid from A Christmas Story.


7. Blank T-shirts are pointless.  You’ve got space on your chest: say something!  Some type of design on the shirt is acceptable (excluding argyle), but an actual statement regarding your preferences or personality is much preferred.


8. Perhaps contradictorily, I hate clothing that has the name of the manufacturer on it.  I shop more at the Gap/Eddie Bauer etc than I should, but I refuse to buy anything that has their name on it.  They can afford billboards; they don’t need me.


9. I try to buy clothes that I will wear year-round.  This means I don’t own a coat (only jackets, which I can wear for half the year) and I wear my t-shirts all year.  I don’t buy holiday wear, or clothing expressly for a specific event.  Buying me a Christmas tie will not put you on my good side.  Giving it to me on Christmas will get you blacklisted.


10. White dress shirts are boring.  Yes, you need a couple of them.  But that’s it.  The rest should be other colors.  I currently own blue, maroon, green, black and grey shirts.  The colored ones are not only more interesting on Sunday, but can be worn to a wider variety of events during the week.


11. I never buy anything I’ve seen someone else wear.  If I see someone else wearing something I own, it automatically gets knocked down a couple places on my to-wear list.


12. Shopping at thriftstores is fine.  They’re a good place to find novelty apparel, which helps satisfy rule 7.  Less often you can actually find nice stuff at a good price.  Don’t think about the fact that someone may have died in it.  There is no point in buying anything that’s not exceptionally nice or exceptionally random.  If you say “I guess I’d wear this” you actually won’t.  


13. Ties should make people talk.  Don’t buy one unless it’s likely to produce either a “Wow, nice tie!” or “Wow, what a hideous tie!”  Either is acceptable.  Bland is not.


14. Pink is only acceptable if your girlfriend buys it for you.  Even then I will probably lose respect for you.


15. Abercrombie is not acceptable under any circumstances.  NONE.  Wrack your brain all you wish, you won’t come up with a reason that I will find acceptable.  

Song of the moment: “Popular” Nada Surf