Sunday, April 09, 2006

Chris: Financial wizard

If you're reading this you're almost certainly a college student, and thus by definition dirt-poor.  Want to stay that way?  Here are some pointers on how to be cheap thrifty this summer.
 
1.     Stop eating breakfast.  It's not really the most important meal of the day, that's just a myth perpetuated by the cereal companies.  When's the last time you had a breakfast date?  No one of the opposite sex = a wasted meal.
2.     Look like a hobo.  If you currently shop at the Gap, switch to Old Navy.   If you shop at Old Navy switch to DI.  If you shop at DI switch to stealing your roommates clothes.  The hobo look is totally in, so the shabbier you look the better.
3.     Get on welfare.  
4.     Stop paying rent.  You've got friends and they've got couches.  If no one's sleeping on them they're just going to waste.  If you don't have friends (I'm looking at you engineering majors) you can construct a nice cardboard box fort to summer in.  Props if you stay there during the winter too.
5.     Sell plasma.  Being a blood whore is the easiest job in the world.  But it’s hard out there for a blood pimp.  
6.     Girls: Mooch off boys.  Any activity that you can't find a boy to pay for isn't worth doing. Trust me, we're gullible enough and you're cute enough that you can go weeks without buying a meal or movie ticket.
7.     Boys: avoid the mooching girls.  
8.     Haircuts are a waste.  You've got scissors and a mirror.  How hard can it be?  If you're a vain soul and insist on having someone else cut your hair, find a friend who has scissors. And remember, you only need two cuts per year, three if you're drinking your milk, which I advise against.  Water is cheaper.

So you've just received your inheritance, won the lottery or found a pot of gold.  What's next?   Here's how to burn that cash.

1.     Go skydiving.  You know you want to.  And how else can you spend a couple hundred bucks for couple minutes of entertainment?
2.     Buy novelty T-shirts.  Sure you could scour DI for that trendy novelty T.  But who has time to go to DI?   Just get online and spend ten times more to have it shipped to your door.  Make sure to get overnight delivery.
3.     Go to Vegas.  Perhaps the only activity that is less cost-efficient than skydiving.  But trust me, the complimentary drinks are worth every penny.
4.     Donate to the Send-Chris-to-Med-School Foundation.  Remember, he may be working on you someday.   Isn't your health worth your money?
5.     Throw extravagant dinner parties.  Invite all your friends, and with your new-found affluence you should have a lot more.  Feast and speak in British accents.  Instead of Western Family and Sam’s Choice, buy the actual name brand foods.  Don't worry, they'll still taste the same.
6.     Go see first-run movies.  You rich people get to see movies months before us poor slobs.   Plus there's no line since the rest of us are standing outside Movies 8.  
7.     Bathe in Jamba Juice.  It's great for the skin and the delightful fruit scent will stay with you all day.  Aloha Pineapple works best.
8.     Girls dig it when you give them your number written on a ten dollar bill.  Plus they may spend the bill, and another even cuter girl could get your number.
9.     Shop exclusively at your campus bookstore.
10.     Donate to the Buy-Chris-an-Xbox360 Foundation.  It doesn't have quite the humanitarian reputation of other charities, but I'm pretty sure you'll still get that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

4 comments:

Amy said...

I don't think the word "whore" is a very nice or appropriate word to use. However repugnant selling plasma is.

Catherine Elizabeth said...

Amy's right, about the niceness of the word anyway, I do think whore is appropriate. But I really prefer hussy to whore; you get those lovely, hissy s's in the middle that make it doubly fun to say.

Ranteumptom said...

I think blood whore is a commonly accepted term in Provo. It's not an invention on my part. Changing it to blood hussy would be hyper-mormon and of oh-my-heck magnitudes.

Jeanette said...

You realize that the last time I got any "inheritance" it consisted of stuff like cotton balls, shampoo, marble rolling pin, plastic storage bis...
So, basically, if any of said "charities" accept these items, I'll consider giving them up.