Thursday, November 27, 2008

The Sexy Chris Project

Last year my New Year’s resolution was to eat a lobster. I haven’t accomplished it yet, but I’m pretty sure I will. I don’t have to eat the whole thing or anything, so it’s pretty doable. So with that presumed victory under my belt, I’m taking on a bigger task for 2009.

I’ve come to the conclusion that 2008 Chris just wasn’t very sexy. I think 2007 Chris did alright, though he was nothing to write home about either. But there’s still hope for 2009 Chris.

But I need you, internet, to help me accomplish this goal. If I knew how to be sexy, I’d be doing it, and be married to Evangeline Lily. I know each of you has at least one thing you know about me that has kept you from dating me. For some of you it’s your sexual orientation, marital status or familial relation, which admittedly isn’t very helpful. But I’d like to know all the other reasons.

The question is, how can I best fish for insults? I think I’m going to get better info if the tips are anonymous. I know that you can’t hurt my feelings telling me face to face, but I’ll provide the anonymity to make it more comfortable for you. I also think I’ll get more honest suggestions if the answers aren’t posted directly on the internet. So here’s how it’s going to work:

Sign in to the group email account: thesexychrisproject@gmail.com . The password is sexyin2009. From there you can anonymously email my receiving account, sexyin2009@gmail.com . Simple. Probably overly complicated, but still in the realm of simple. If you don’t want people other than me to read the suggestions you send, make sure to delete them from the Sent Mail box. And presto, you’ve anonymously told me a way I can improve myself, and if Spam pirates or identity thieves try to get involved I can just delete the accounts. Perfect.

What do I mean by sexy? As I said, really I want to know things that limit my dating, because it seems pretty limited right now. So physical observations are fine, but not something I can do much about. Fashion, behavior, habits, personality traits, these are the things that would be more helpful. Obviously those who interact with me regularly will have better insight, but random internet folk should feel free to chime in. Also, input from womenfolk would seem to be more helpful, but maybe you fellas have some great tips.

So please, send those suggestions to me in within the next month so I can have a little list for 2009. If you don’t mind me sharing the tips on the old blog, please say so in the message. Otherwise I’ll assume it’s for my eyes only. Thanks in advance, and here’s to being sexier in 2009.

4 comments:

Poppy said...

Okay, either I am totally handicapped or GMail hates me. Or both. It's not letting me sign in with that address/password combo. But I have no need to be secretive about my insults. Not only because I'm unbelievably insensitive, but also because I can say with almost total certainty that we will never see each other ever again. So, here you go!

First of all, the only thing that kept me from dating you was the fact that you never asked me out on a date. At the time, I figured that this was because you decided that you didn't want to date me. Which is perfectly reasonable. I assumed it was something to do with how I swear a lot, or my social ineptitude, or how I don't like anime or comics for no reason at all, or because the fact that I read your entire blog archives secretly freaked you out. You know, the sorts of things that I can't or won't change.

(What won't you change? I think this would be much more interesting to hear than what you plan on attempting to change.)

Anyway, despite the fact that I wouldn't have turned you down, here are some reasons why we wouldn't have gone on, say, a fourth date (at the most). The following are my own opinions about things that I found vaguely annoying about you. I can easily conceive that many ladies would not find them unattractive, so do please consider them with that in mind. I mean, since we're almost certainly never going to date, why bother working around my personal pet peeves?

* You're obsessed with getting married. And also dating, which you seem to consider almost completely as a means to an end. This is a pretty massive turn-off for me.

* You think you're quite clever. You are fairly clever, it's true. I guess I'm just suggesting some modesty. You could start with false modesty for practice, but I suggest a routine of daily negative affirmations.

* "Introvert" is a fairly specific term, and I don't know enough about you to tell you categorically that you aren't an inward-directed person. I can tell you that I think you don't really act like one. And, as an incredibly introverted and shy person, it's definitely annoying to hear sociable, out-going people like you describe yourselves as introverts.

* You're becoming a doctor. (You probably don't want to date someone who hates and fears modern medicine as much as I do anyway.)

I think that's it. Good luck with the sexy!

(Ha! The paragraph tag is not accepted! Well, I certainly hope my double carriage returns make paragraph breaks!)

Ranteumptom said...

Oh Poppy, I knew I could count on your candor.

I assure you and everyone else that the gmail account works. I've received several responses thus far. TheSexyChrisProject@gmail.com. Password: Sexyin2009. Trust me.

I agree with most of your points. The biggest thing keeping me from dating is in fact not asking girls. I have a pretty thorough vetting process. I assure you that a dislike for anime is expected, a dislike of comics is entirely irrelevant and swearing is pretty neutral. The reading of blogs is part of the vetting process and helped me, as it did you, determine that we probably weren't a match.

Obsessed might be strong, but I am certainly quite invested in the marriage concept. And I don't particularly enjoy the social construct of dating, so I do see it as a means to an end.

I do think I'm quite clever. Some humility would most likely help in dating, and would most certainly help in the big picture. I assure you the daily negative affirmations are already in place, though they don't relate to how clever I am.

You may out introvert me, but I'm certainly on the spectrum. I turned down 3 things yesterday to stay home and read. Sorry Dave 1, Sayaka and Women's Volleyball.

And I am becoming a doctor.

So your points are for the most part valid. Thanks for your contribution to The Sexy Chris Project.

Poppy said...

Oh, is that a lower-case i? (Sorry, I just had to point out that it wasn't my fault. I think it's genetic.)

Amy-Alisa said...

It's probably inappropriate for your sister to comment on your sexiness, but I will give you a pointer. While girls will giggle and give you some attention for strange facial or head hair, they don't actually want to get too close to it (not that you have had weird hair for a while now). And actually asking a girl out is a good step to take. Good luck in your endeavors, you aren't the only Sorensen attempting to bring the sexy back this year. Weird.