Wednesday, February 01, 2006

1/2 Bicycle = irritating

Ranteumptom is not a misspelling. Whereas the Rampeumptom was the tower in the Book of Mormon where you could supposedly go and have your vain prayers heard, the Ranteumptom is my personal soapbox where I can make my vain rants heard. I am considerably better at ridiculing and belittling any particular subject than I am on praising it, regardless of my personal feelings on the matter. My first article to Schooled was about how I hate baseball. In reality I bear no ill will to the sport. I don’t feel compelled to watch or play it, but have no strong feelings toward it in any way. It was simply easier and funnier to write a rant against it.

For the most part I’ve focused more on commentary and storytelling in my writing of recent years, rather than strictly doing rants. However, today I have a grievance to air.


I HATE unicyclists. I should clarify that I don’t hate all unicyclists. If you’re unicycling in Detroit, you have my full support. I suspect you may become the victim of gang violence, but I have no hard feelings toward you. I have no fear or loathing of clowns or acrobats. I hate unicyclists in Provo.

I first encountered them my freshmen year. Walking across campus you’d occasionally see someone heading across campus on their one-wheeled-wonder. How novel! A unicycle. Who’d have thought to use such a contraption as your usual form of transportation? Then you see that there’s another person that rides one. And wait, another. BYU always has a couple students who feel the need to fill the unicyclist niche.

Guess what unis? That niche doesn’t need to be filled. You’re not being unique anymore! The first guy that did it was a genuine individual. He did something new and original and I can support him in that. I’m assuming it’s a guy because I don’t believe I’ve seen any women engaging in this showboating. But every person since has been a follower of the worst variety. They’re trying to be unique by imitating another person’s unique behavior. Copycatting is not cool.

How do I know they’re copycatting? Why else ride a unicycle? They really aren’t much faster than walking. They certainly don’t facilitate carrying large or heavy objects. I’ve never ridden one, but I can only assume the braking leaves something to be desired. They don’t look good and don’t make the rider look any better. Maybe girls swoon for the guys with excellent proprioception, but I’ve never heard it mentioned in a girls list of qualities she’s looking for in a husband. The only benefit I can think of is that they’d be less likely to be stolen than a bicycle. The fact that others have no desire to steal an object doesn’t actually give it any value. It means it’s junk.

I don’t care if you’re been riding a unicycle since you were 2. Don’t bring another to BYU. I don’t care if you have a family tradition tracing back to Romanian gypsies in the 1700s (incidentally, this would be a highly dubious claim) of riding unicycles to entertain the masses. Leave it at home. It’s not cool here. Wait until you graduate to pull it out of storage. I’m sure it will impress all of your accountant friends.

Current Song: “High and Dry” Radiohead


Amy-Alisa said...

Amen! Unicycles belong in circuses and parades and that's about it. We don't want them around here! Get out!...or just jump off.

Ellie O said...

You guys are harsh (siblings aren't you?)! It is an innocuous endeavor and undeserving of such intensity. I tried it once and found the required state of equilibrium totally beyond me--thereafter am more inclined to admire them (at least those who are shirtless with sixpacks).

Not LDS but finding the inside discussion interesting.