April sucks. I’m sorry for those of you that think “sucks” is a swear word, but you’re from Utah, and you’re wrong. April does suck, and for a wide variety of reasons. It starts out with April Fools Day, where the longer it takes you to clean up the “joke” your “friends” pull the funnier it supposedly is. During April we have the pleasure of doing taxes, followed immediately by complaining about how little we get back. April showers suck, and the May flowers that result aren’t anything to shout about. And to top it all off we get to take finals, the bane of college existence.
Is there anything worse than a final? Sure, every so often you get a teacher who gives a group final or has everyone show up and eat donuts and call that a final. But usually it’s a time to cram four months of neuroanatomy into your head and hope it doesn’t explode during the test. Because of course this would ruin your scantron. You slave your way through several hours of writing, guessing and praying, and once you finish you have thirty minutes to relax before your linguistics exam begins. The most wonderful time of the year this is not.
Here are some tips on how to cope with the stress that finals inflict upon us:
Belittle The Exam. Stress comes from thinking the test is a big deal. You can eliminate stress by making the test seem unimportant. If you’re extremely good at this you can even talk yourself out of bothering to show up to the exam. We don’t recommend taking it to this extreme. Try to reach a level where you’re still motivated enough to study and actually take the exam, but where you’re not giving yourself ulcers over it. Ladies just repeat this mantra to yourself: “I’m here to find a husband. He doesn’t care about my GPA. Stress gives you wrinkles.” Men have a similar chant to go over “I’m here to find a wife. I can lie about my GPA. Retaking the class will help me meet more girls.” Just repeat these lines over and over until you feel better.
Snack Attack. Nothing helps you forget about finals quite like sugar and trans fats. Luckily for you Provorem has a nice selection of overpriced and undercooked food that you can enjoy at 3 in the morning. Head over to IHOP or Dennys to mingle with other students procrastinating their studying. Betos and 7-11 are surprisingly popular at 4:30 AM. Any of these places are guaranteed to make you just queasy enough to stay awake for another couple hours, but won’t usually make you sick enough to miss the test. If you don’t feel like leaving the apartment (this is usually due to a significant drop in personal hygiene standards during finals week) you can just step into the kitchen and whip yourself up a snack. Anything to take you away from those books for a few minutes of relief and replenishment.
Misery Loves Company. Keep in mind that everyone else is suffering through this as well. Except those stupid roommates who are just working or taking a semester off. Avoid them during finals because they’ll just make you mad. But everyone else is sharing your pain. Join together and do a couple stress-relieving activities. Catch a movie at the dollar theater. Throw a mini-dance party. Burn textbooks that you can’t sell back. Have any kind of fun that will take about an hour.
Yes, finals suck. But you’ll make it through. There are relatively few classes that are a matter of life and death. And if they do happen to kill you, you won’t have to worry about finals next semester.