Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Sum of All Stress

April sucks.  I’m sorry for those of you that think “sucks” is a swear word, but you’re from Utah, and you’re wrong.  April does suck, and for a wide variety of reasons.  It starts out with April Fools Day, where the longer it takes you to clean up the “joke” your “friends” pull the funnier it supposedly is.  During April we have the pleasure of doing taxes, followed immediately by complaining about how little we get back.  April showers suck, and the May flowers that result aren’t anything to shout about.  And to top it all off we get to take finals, the bane of college existence.  

Is there anything worse than a final?  Sure, every so often you get a teacher who gives a group final or has everyone show up and eat donuts and call that a final.  But usually it’s a time to cram four months of neuroanatomy into your head and hope it doesn’t explode during the test.  Because of course this would ruin your scantron.  You slave your way through several hours of writing, guessing and praying, and once you finish you have thirty minutes to relax before your linguistics exam begins.  The most wonderful time of the year this is not.
Here are some tips on how to cope with the stress that finals inflict upon us:
Belittle The Exam.  Stress comes from thinking the test is a big deal.  You can eliminate stress by making the test seem unimportant.  If you’re extremely good at this you can even talk yourself out of bothering to show up to the exam.  We don’t recommend taking it to this extreme.  Try to reach a level where you’re still motivated enough to study and actually take the exam, but where you’re not giving yourself ulcers over it.  Ladies just repeat this mantra to yourself: “I’m here to find a husband.  He doesn’t care about my GPA.  Stress gives you wrinkles.”  Men have a similar chant to go over “I’m here to find a wife.  I can lie about my GPA.  Retaking the class will help me meet more girls.”  Just repeat these lines over and over until you feel better.
Snack Attack.  Nothing helps you forget about finals quite like sugar and trans fats.  Luckily for you Provorem has a nice selection of overpriced and undercooked food that you can enjoy at 3 in the morning.  Head over to IHOP or Dennys to mingle with other students procrastinating their studying.  Betos and 7-11 are surprisingly popular at 4:30 AM.  Any of these places are guaranteed to make you just queasy enough to stay awake for another couple hours, but won’t usually make you sick enough to miss the test.  If you don’t feel like leaving the apartment (this is usually due to a significant drop in personal hygiene standards during finals week) you can just step into the kitchen and whip yourself up a snack.  Anything to take you away from those books for a few minutes of relief and replenishment.  
Misery Loves Company.  Keep in mind that everyone else is suffering through this as well.  Except those stupid roommates who are just working or taking a semester off.  Avoid them during finals because they’ll just make you mad.  But everyone else is sharing your pain.  Join together and do a couple stress-relieving activities.  Catch a movie at the dollar theater.  Throw a mini-dance party.  Burn textbooks that you can’t sell back.  Have any kind of fun that will take about an hour.    

Yes, finals suck.  But you’ll make it through.  There are relatively few classes that are a matter of life and death.  And if they do happen to kill you, you won’t have to worry about finals next semester.  


ellie o said...

I am ever so hesitant to criticize since I recognize that I am a non-family intruder here, not to mention an asocial wallflower by nature--but "sucks" is one of "those" words, sexually connotative, and not to be used in your grandmother's company. Too bad that it has slipped into common usage.

ps: my earlier claim to nonmormonness was accurate at the time but is no longer. :D

Ranteumptom said...

To be sure, sucks is not appropriate in all situations. I had a missionary companion who would say it while we were teaching and refused to move it from his churchly vocabulary. But this was an article I was assigned and is aimed at college students, so I have no qualms about using it.

As for this being a family site, I don't consider it as such. I'm approaching 200 hits for the last couple weeks, and although about a dozen belong to me, I think there's a pretty good mix of family, friends and random folks.

I'd love to hear more about your recent adoption of mormonness. Drop me an email.

Emily said...

Wow, Ellie O--congratulations and thanks for clearing my brother up . My dad has already tried out his lecture on "why Christopher should avoid all F words" on me, but I don't know if Christopher has received it yet. I think you might give it more convincingly--maybe my dad could hire you?

Welcome to the fold of peculiar people--now you get to weigh in on your feelings about caffeine: evil or not.

Catherine Elizabeth said...

Ellie, welcome to the Mormon club! Please feel free to criticize my brother Christopher whenever the mood strikes; I would never want to restrict that pleasure to family members only. It's good for him.
I agree with you, I feel that "sucks" falls into the same category as "crap." They're not profanity per se, but they are unpleasant to hear. I'm not saying I've never said them, but I am saying I wish I hadn't, and would rather not hear anyone else use them either.
Chris-go wash your mouth out with soap!