Wednesday, March 08, 2006

A Man's Gotta Have His Standards

I appreciate a good jab more than most anyone. In fact I have stopped dating girls for being too nice. If they are incapable of insulting me I won't be able to talk freely with them (I will insult them, this is a fact; and I believe in reciprocity), and thus my already tenuous communication skills will break down, as will the relationship. So I have no problem with a list of supposed reasons I wouldn't marry a potential candidate. However, there are some glaring errors on the list. Evidently I haven't made my opinions on certain matters clear over the years. So I'll either confirm or rebut each point in the list.

"Inherent differences" that might cause Christopher not to marry you:

You question the morality of music file-swapping.

False. Feel free to question. Feel free to abstain. It's called agency. It's also called having a brain with independent thought. I support both. But don't bother me about it. The only person I'm hurting is Metallica, and if I met them in person I'd punch them in the face.

You have not invested 75% of your income in Asian-made cartoons.

Moderately true. An interest in anime is most definitely a plus. A toleration of me watching it on occasion is a requirement. Sadly most of the girls that like it are bizarre individuals (who would've guessed?) so I'm leaning towards one that tolerates it. As for actual expenditures, this clearly shows a lack of knowledge of my character. Chris, spending money on luxury items? I wish I were so carefree. My budget is as follows: food, dates, savings account. Sometimes food is eliminated.

You have a problem with people dying their hair.

True. Although I have no strong feelings towards hair-dying, I wouldn’t anticipate enjoying the company of someone that has a strong moral/ethical opposition to it. The exception here being that I do have reservations against dying your hair blonde. My wife is free to share this moral opposition. This point obviously refers to the fact that I’ve dyed my hair twice in my life (shocking!) and the fact that I may do so again in the near future.

· You admit to a country music phase when you were 13.

True. This disqualifies you.

· You made a derogatory comment about iPods.

False. I support Mac bashing and trend bashing. Feel free to ridicule them to your hearts content. If you’re a good ridiculer that wins you extra points. The fact that I own 2 iPods probably contributes greatly to my poor self image. But they’re a necessary evil (I couldn’t possibly walk to campus without music now could I?)

· You sleep sometimes.

I admit, I first thought this was some statement about my having a great work ethic. Wishful thinking. To compensate for not sleeping as a child I now take great pleasure in naps. It would be counterproductive if my wife didn’t share this hobby.

· You made an Idaho joke.

False. I make Idaho jokes all the time, both against the state and against myself for being called to serve there. I mean really, what kind of slacker gets called to Boise? Idaho jokes are a plus.

· You explained your embrace of Intelligent Design and named it as a reason you intend to homeschool all your children.

60% true. Intention to homeschool eliminates you. My theoretical (increasingly so) children will have enough working against them that I don’t intend to stymie their social skills by imprisoning them in my home. Accepting God’s hand in the formation of the natural world is obviously a good thing. Being stupid enough to deny that God could use evolution to bring about His ends writes you off my list.

· You “just don’t get” his Jabberwocky poem.

True. Feel free to hate my poetry. It “stinks” so disliking it is fine. Being dumb enough to not understand it will eliminate you. This isn’t John Donne here; it’s a story about a monster stepping on a little boy.

· You Don’t like his sister

False. I believe Catherine effectively explained this. There’s little chance of her liking all 8 of my sisters. She doesn’t need to like my collective sisters, nor does she need to like any particular sister. None of my sisters are enough like me to make a dislike of them at all indicative of the success of our relationship. Furthermore her interactions with any of them are likely to be limited enough as to make this point nearly moot. That’s not stating my intention to live on Crete without a phone, but a simple observation of my current interaction with in-laws. I like both my brothers in-law, but it wouldn’t really matter if I hated their guts.

I think I’ve done a good job of killing that joke. I’d fear the onslaught of comments from my incendiary remarks, but suspect that my moderately facetious rebuttal will come across as oversensitive and vigorously defensive. The truth is I’m avoiding studying.

Song of the moment: “Get Myself Arrested” by Gomez


Catherine Elizabeth said...

Good to know where you stand. I've posted a companion piece at my place.

Emily said...

Can't I add more? I was thinking of them all day yesterday. You don't need to respond to them, although your response was enlightening:

--you don't laugh at Christophers' jokes
--you saw his impression of a drunk Frenchman and objected on the basis of it not "avoiding the appearance of evil"
--you don't like his brother
--you will not live in a house where caffeneited sodas are consumed
--you don't want your children cast in Christophers' movies
--you refuse to live anyplace other than Zion; even vacationing outside of Utah is taboo--you can vacation at "worldly" places like Cedar City and St. George
--you want your future children to be raised without TV
--you are NFLs #1 fan
--You balk at your food-storage consisting entirely of Raumen noodles

I'm here all week, folks

Emily said...

What about:

--you have a bad fake English accent
--you are one of those people who, when they hear someone else wonder allowed how much an unmarked item at the store is, jokes "must be free"

Emily said...

Obviously "allowed" should read "aloud"