Kind of surprised I get invited

I went to Punch and Judy’s wedding reception last night, and rerealized that I hate receptions. I knew this going in, hence the rerealization. It could very well be that all my reception dislikes will dissipate once I’m no longer bitter and/or single, or that I just inherently hate the reception format. And before I criticize things for the next page, I should say congratulations Punch and Judy! And their reception wasn’t particularly objectionable, it just happens to be something I can write about today.

I hate The Line. They actually didn’t have one last night, so kudos to them. I hate standing in line for anything, even things I really want to do. So standing in line to talk to someone I can just talk to later? Aggravating. When the couple are good friends it’s not so bad talking to their family, but when they’re only casual friends it’s murder. “Oh hi Mr. Punch. I took your daughter on a couple dates last year. So . . . slow line huh.” I hate it when I only know one of the newlyweds and get stuck making small talk with the other one. The bride and groom should have different lines so the line would be half as short and you just pick the one you like more. Kind of defeats the purpose of marriage I guess.

I don’t like wedding cake. Perhaps the figurative bitter taste in my mouth is translated to actually disliking the food. But the fact remains that I have never had a wedding cake that I really enjoyed. I’d rather skip the cake and grab an apple pie at McDonalds on the way home. Which I would’ve done last night if I weren’t carpooling.

I don’t really like formal events. And what’s more formal than a wedding? I’m not arguing that the event should be a casual freeforall, it just so happens that I don’t like a structured serious party. It becomes less of a celebration and more of an obligation. Again, last night was a pretty good mix, but still too formal for my tastes. The wait staff had the hors d’oeuvres on silver platters, which drives me crazy. I haven’t used a cashier at a grocery store since they built the do-it-yourself lines. I don’t want to have to talk to someone to get my fancy snacks.

Assigned seating is a bad idea. Assigned seating at mixed tables is worse. How am I supposed to whisper snide remarks about toasts to my neighbors when my neighbors are Aunt and Uncle Prim’n’proper from Des Moines? Thankfully I’ve only experienced this once or twice.

Here in Columbus, folks hire my good friend Lolly to emcee the event. He’s a good guy and does a good job. But he does this thing where he reads prepared statements that the couple have made about each other while they just stand there watching. 1. They should record the couple reading the statements themselves, because it’s a little weird having Lolly profess his love for Judy on stage. 2. They also should have them play while they’re having their first dance. Both events (neither of which I’m particularly fond) would benefit from occurring simultaneously.

I also don’t like the daddy/daughter dance. But if they have it, for goodness sakes have the mother/son dance at the same time instead of separate events.

Don’t get me started on the money dance. You get married, and get gifts, and get my spare change? Rub salt in my wounds.

In general I don’t like the dancing, but that’s because I don’t like dancing. I see little way out of having dancing in some form at the reception. Apart from staying single.

I guess a big problem I have with wedding receptions is that I don’t value tradition. It’s something you do just because it’s what people have done before? That’s dumb. I threw my hat at graduation, and it did nothing for me. So stomping on glasses, throwing flower grenades, cake smashing (I HATE cake smashing, incidentally) don’t do any of them if you don’t particularly want to do them. Tradition is not a good reason. Tradition is a physical manifestation of cliché.

Congratulations to Punch and Judy!