Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Help me help you

I started writing my new article for Schooled Magazine today, and thought I should get some input. I'm supposed to write about where students can go and what they can do to decide upon a major. If you have any insight in this area it would be much appreciated.

I thought I'd include the last article I wrote. This will be in the upcoming February edition. Lucky you! A sneak peek! See what kind of special treatment I give my loyal fans?

S.A.D.

February 14th is an evil day. That's a fact. Cars hit more puppies on February 14th than on any other day of the year. No movie released on this date has ever won best picture. February 14th is Justin Timberlake's birthday. There's no arguing that this is a truly heinous date. The real question is why do we celebrate such a day? Valentine's Day must be an inherently flawed holiday to be placed on the date when you are statistically most likely to die in a zeppelin-related accident.

The real problem with Valentine's Day is that I don't have a girlfriend. Even worse is the fact that I have never had one on Valentine's Day. In all my years of dating (beginning promptly at 16 and continuing until this point at 23, taking a 2 year intermission) I have never had a girlfriend on February 14th. This curse is of much more concern to me than one on any baseball team or pirate ship. If the pattern continues it bodes very poorly for a happy marriage lasting longer than twelve months.

Of course I am not alone in my loneliness. While it's true that Happy Valley is the world capital of courtship, there are many here who are single at any given time. These singles have adopted February 14th as SAD, Singles Awareness Day. While I appreciate a clever acronym as much as the next guy, perhaps more, I'd like to alter this one a bit. We're all painfully aware of how single we are. Those giggling couples are aware of this as well. This is why they tell us every other minute how great it is to be in a relationship and how we should really get out of our sweatpants and find a soul mate. We don't need a Singles Awareness Day, we need a Single Appreciation Day. If you prefer ire to melancholy you could also celebrate Marriage Antagonist Day.

Single Appreciation Day is really a more natural celebration than is Valentine's Day. You're born alone, you die alone, you experience the more awkward stages of puberty alone: being single seems to be the natural state. Marriage on the other hand is insanity. A practical definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. If you're reading this you're almost certainly in Provo or Orem. If you currently reside in either of these cities you have been on a date. It’s the law. Go check the city ordinances, it's there. If you've been on a date you know they can range from slightly uncomfortable to mind-bogglingly excruciating. I have come close to stabbing my salad fork into my eye on more than one occasion. And yet common sentiment dictates that the immense pain of dating will immediately be transformed into extreme bliss once we're married. Same behavior, different result. Insanity.

"But Chris, dating is fun. Being loved is great. Surely you're just a jerk and/or loser." I admit, I may be both of these things. I further admit that not every date I've been on has involved attempted eye-gouging. But interacting with any girl can easily drive a man insane. Adjectives such as fickle, petty and irrational come to mind. Before I receive any hate mail, men have their fair share of adjectives as well. Stubborn, insensitive, odiferous, grouchy, shallow, X-box-obsessed. Notice how I criticized men more heavily, so as to be politically correct. The bottom line is that the dating game sucks worse than a 52 Card Pickup marathon in mittens. Why do the sexes put up with each other? Is it not insane to think that these creatures that have tormented us endlessly since we were five will suddenly bring us happiness?

In reality I don’t advocate celibacy. Props to those monks; they’re better men than I. Or worse men, depending on how you define manliness. I’m actively seeking the girl that drives me the least insane and lacks a criminal record. When I find her and trick her into saying yes, we’re as good as married. But until then I’m going to enjoy being single. I’m going to leave the toilet seat up, play video games and eat Twix for breakfast. I’m going to throw my third annual Love Sucks party on SAD and have a great time. I might even change out my sweatpants.

5 comments:

Jeanette said...

I hate valentines day even if I am dating someone. It just is stupid, and I don't think I'll ever celebrate it. Actually, I'm going to say I don't believe in it. That way, I don't need to worry about it, because it doesn't exist.

Emily said...

It seems you would appreciate not being involved on V-Day: no one expectes any presents that way.

Maybe a present for one person, though, is more economical than throwing a party.

Catherine Elizabeth said...

I love Valentine's Day, and I also, have never had a significant other on the big day. I'm always confused as to why people insist on limiting the day to celebrating romantic love. For me, it's fun to send Valentines to all of my loved ones, even if they are not my boyfriend. So don't worry Christopher, you'll be getting at least one Valentine this year, even if it's just from your loving sister. There are worse things.

Danielle said...

Maybe I'll fly up to Utah for your party again in my GOTH clothes...that was so much fun!

Daniele said...

First of all I want everybody to be aware my name only has one L. This is a male name in Italy. That is probably why I haven't found a serious girlfriend yet...
Anyhow, Chris I'm on the same boat! Plus Valentines Day is exam time in my university, so it sucks anyway. This way I can find comfort as I think I have other important things to worry about. The fact is next year I'll be graduated...
Well, hi to all single girls...