Cheating Heart

I've been cheating on you.

For years, I've been telling you that you're my one true love. I've shouted it from the rooftops. I briefly considered that tattoo. Sure, I've dabbled. I never claimed monogamy was my cup of tea. Only that you were my cup of tea, and that I would always come back to you.

Sorry Diet Dr Pepper.

I'm not sure how it happened. I think part of it was being in South Africa last year. They didn't have Diet Dr Pepper. What was I to do? Drink water? Like a poor person? Or alternatively, like a rich douchebag? I think not. So I turned to what was available, the cheap and easy town bicycle of international sodas. Coke Zero.

Sure, Diet Coke is now the #2 soda in the US, after Coke and before Pepsi. But internationally, Diet Coke has no game. Coke Zero is the latest and greatest way to fend of dysentery and unwanted sucrose.

At the hospital I have the following options: Diet Coke, Diet Dr Pepper, Diet Sprite and Coke Zero. Sometimes I have Powerade or VitaminWater and I don't feel bad about that. That's not cheating, that's just . . . swinging maybe? Diet Sprite is rubbish, I'd never cheat on you with that floozy. And Diet Coke gets a swig every now and again, but it might as well just be the secretary at the Christmas party. So it comes down to Diet Dr Pepper, the approved beverage of the modern day physician, and Coke Zero. And it breaks my heart to say so, but Coke Zero often wins. 62% of the time it wins. Sure, that's not a landslide victory; we're pretty much in a polygamous relationship Diet Dr Pepper. But you get 3 days a week, and Coke Zero gets 4.

I'm not saying I'm going to leave you Diet Dr Pepper. Just that you're the soda de jure, but Coke Zero is the soda de facto. Maybe things will change. Maybe you'll add a 24th flavor. But I don't think it's your taste that has to change, it's mine.