Monday, January 05, 2009

The Sexy Chris Project: Attitude and Appendix

Today's findings (and today is the last day, in case you find these dull and want to hear more about Ninja Ropes or my psychiatry rotation that started today) are by far the least tangible. I started with very concrete matters, such as shoes, and now deal with frame of mind and paradigms. I'll also tack on the end various suggestions that didn't fit well with previous days' topics.

Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as park life

I actually have no idea what that means. It's a line from Blur, so I assume it's true. I wanted to include it to compensate for the fact that the next contributor quotes Britney Spears:

As the great Brittany Spears once said, 'confidence is a must, packing is just a plus.' Confidence is one of the most sexy things a guy can have in his arsenal.  The trick  is to first have confidence  and second have confidence without arrogance.

I probably wouldn't describe myself as lacking confidence. Another writer adds this:

You think you're quite clever. You are fairly clever, it's true. I guess I'm just suggesting some modesty. You could start with false modesty for practice, but I suggest a routine of daily negative affirmations.

It's possible to simultaneously lack confidence and be arrogant, which is indeed a bad combo. But again, I wouldn't list a lack of confidence in my top 10 problems. I can't think of a girl I've wanted to ask out in the last 3 years that I haven't. Excluding ones with boyfriends. It's true that I'm not confident enough to break up a relationship, and I can consider that a goal.

A lot of people sent me suggestions that confidence is sexy, and I think the very nature of this project gave them the impression that this was the most worthwhile advice for me. Fact is, I think I'm a pretty good catch. I'm just attempting to make myself a better catch. However, my confidence may not translate into boldness.

It's all personal preference, but I think a lot of girls like boldness. For example, taking the initiative to talk to a girl first, or just ask if she wants to grab lunch. 

I have no problem initiating contact once I'm interested, but I probably wouldn't describe my attack as bold. Rarely, if ever, do I meet a girl, decide she's worthwhile and proceed to ask her on a date. I usually craft an activity for her to attend, seek to get to know her better through phone/email/facebook, or try to integrate her into my group. None of these are in fact being bold, so that's certainly a consideration.

A couple writers suggest that I have a fear of rejection, which would certainly work into this lack of confidence angle.

You mentioned you don't date girls long enough to be rejected. Of all the things you do so well, your fear of loss and rejection seems very against your character. . . . Don't assume you will always be rejected just to save face. Taking risks presents options and opportunities that have always taught me something about myself, my insecurities; but I have a peace of mind because at least I know. Assuming the worst actually makes us perform and present ourselves less than we really are. It is exactly opposite of hope. We no longer believe things can and will work out, and we act that part. Don't hide what you have to offer - that simple.

It's true that I told this writer that I didn't date girls long enough to be rejected. However, my point was that I usually decide we're incompatible pretty quickly, so don't have time to get to the rejection phase. But there were a couple other writers who also thought I had this fear of rejection, so it's another thing to consider, though I'm not yet convinced.

Such a lack of compassion

I'm sticking with the song lyrics today. This one happens to be from Korn, who should not provide any dating advice. Here's another thought about my attitude, and a potential adjustment:

To me, thinking about other people more than worrying what people think of you is dead sexy, but maybe that's just pure craziness on my part.


To be sure, altruism isn't my strong point. I've often said that the only benefit to being single is an increased prerogative to be selfish. Ok, I don't say that very often, because it makes me look bad, and evidently being a jerk isn't sexy. I would however like to point out that I do think about other people, though certainly not enough. A funny thing about The Sexy Chris Project has been that most people can't write me purely critical emails, even anonymously. Here are a couple pointing out that I'm not ALWAYS selfish.


This is what I observed about you and this has very little to do with dating. You will take wonderful care of your wife. You will be loving, committed, creative, thoughtful, aware of her needs, and will put her at the center of your life. Why do I think that? Because you are like that with those you are close with. You treat your friends like siblings, you are constantly scheming up another fun group activity/party/excuse to get together. You'll do the same for your wife and your family. You are fiercely loyal.

I don't know what people have sent you, but I think you're a great person. You treat your friends very well, and unfortunately people don't see all you do for your friends. There is a reason I became your friend in the first place and a reason why I still continue to hang out with you.

But I agree with you, anonymous contributor. Attractiveness is greatly amplified by a caring individual. I've attempted many relationships with selfish girls, and have yet to make it work. It's just too big of a wedge. I maintain my right to be somewhat selfish as a single, but it's something that must be dropped pretty quickly to cultivate a healthy relationship, and is definitely a worthwhile trade.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Hopefully you recognize that one. Along with all the mind-bogglingly difficult suggestions (stop being mean, flirt with everyone, wear shirts with collars) came these gems:

I for one am a fan of your personality so I hope you don't try to do a major overhaul. So keep being your regular-guy self, and add on your sweetheart self to the person(s) you would like to try to win over, and eventually it will pay big dividends.

Do nothing? Done and done. I actually got a lot of emails saying various degrees of do nothing.

My only advice is be happy.  Simply put, be happy just how you are- single, and totally the most fun guy ever. You're radness... .so never think anything's wrong with you.  The Hus and I both agree that providence was ABSOLUTELY involved in getting us together-- and it was just the right time for both of us.. so take a deep breath, and relax, and just keep believing in love and mush-- and know it will hit you when it hits you.  Otherwise go about your life and enjoy every moment

Anti-sexy and her husband have a similar story to me and mine, so take her account and add this to it: Both my now-husband and I had independently had epiphanies and accepted our singleness. We wanted to get married eventually, but were happy―truly and completely―about our current lives. We were involved and moving forward in life, and we were both okay with being us. Being married, I am as happy as I have ever been. I love having a person to share my life with. But the thing is, I don't know that I'm sad less often than I was when I was single. There are tough things about both, I promise. Don't think that it will miraculously change you or change your life to be in love or to be married. If you aren't happy, secure, and livin' la vida loca now, you won't be then either. Moral: work on being okay now. That's something you actually have control over.

But from what I've seen in my years of observation and from my own solitary serious relationship, I present to you this truth - there is a shoe for *almost* every foot, and the exceptions are very very very few and far between. Running with that analogy, my only advice would be to try to be the kind of foot that you enjoy being and that helps you achieve your life's goals. Then evaluate the shoes as they cross your path without too much thought to self-manufactured ideals. Sure you may feel you prefer Reeboks and Nikes, but sometimes it may not hurt to think "Hmm. A Ked. That might fit. And I bet that gum could come off." Because let's be honest, they all come from sweatshops. Not to say you can't be discriminatory. Loafers and flip-flops, for example, are not respectable.

As much as I'd love to fan the flame of my laziness, I realize that these suggestions aren't exactly Do Nothing. But they are Don't Worry Be Happy. And this would be easy if I could ignore dating. Unfortunately, I'm not really allowed to do that. So it's actually a significant challenge to both sit back and relax, and not be too lax. Which is why I often err on the side of fixating on dating. I haven't quite figured out how I can do both yet, but it's once again on my radar.


I'm sure there's a song out there called appendix. Here are some suggestions that didn't really fit elsewhere, and I thought were interesting enough to include.

I think it would help if you wore a manscent. I would be willing to help you find one. I really like Kenneth Cole Black. It seems to smell good on most people and it's not overpowering. 1 to 1.5 sprays seems to do the trick. But something else you like is great too.

Very specific. I'm not sure how I feel about Black, but it's probably reasonable to switch up the scent that hasn't worked for me for the last decade.

And because I was told I wasn't allowed to date you.


This was probably the most mysterious statement of the project. Who is forbidding girls to date me? Whoever you are, I hate you.


Confucius say, "He who can talk a good game will get a wife that love to hear him talk."  We think your conversation skills need a little work. Sometimes in life, you have to listen to other people's BS (although, not everything she says is BS) and unfortunately you should act like you care. Who knows? Maybe you will find it does matter to you. Girls in particular love a guys that listens and actively participates in the day to day conversation, not the "guttural guy" language you all seem to know; a plethora of "uh huh's,"  "oh's," and "that's cool."  Take an interest in her.

It's my natural inclination to play devil's advocate or at the very least qualify and adjust the advice I'm given, but I've actually agreed with most of the advice that I posted. I don't really agree with this one. My conversation skills are actually fine. I just don't always choose to use them. The fact that I frequently choose not to conversate with people is something I can work on, but the discussing isn't the problem.


    You're becoming a doctor.


Yes I am. If you're cute enough I'll quit, but no one has given me that ultimatum yet.


    I think we've established I don't know you from Adam, but what I do know is that everything has to be under your control and you hate change.

I am definitely a reformed control freak. I usually think I could do things better than others, but am much better at accepting other's contributions than I used to be. I don't think the hating change thing is accurate. You may be thinking of Adam.


The last suggestion would be to a have a public burning of your copy of Tremors.  That should spark quite a bit of interest.  

Never. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that. (Meatloaf FYI.)



A couple days ago I got my final contribution to The Sexy Chris Project:


I find that this whole "Sexy Chris Project" is rather pointless. No, I don't mean it in the way that sounds, sure, yeah, you can be sexy, whatev, but you're just doing this for your enjoyment, yeah? Because really, you're not going to change. You're not the type. The way you act now is for a certain reason of your own choosing, or else you would not do what you do or say what you say.

Another person who thinks I hate change. But they're right about a number of things. I have enjoyed this project. Another writer claimed they'd be crying themselves to sleep had they done this. Another thought I was childishly enraged by certain contributions. Maybe I'm sick, but I haven't been saddened or angered by your advice, and thank everyone who wrote in. I've been fascinated by the variety of solutions to my dating difficulties. You've given me a lot of things to consider, and some specific areas to work on. And I think myself quite capable of change. This writer is correct though, that my actions are nearly always deliberate. Not always correct in retrospect, but intentional. I do what I do for a reason, but some of those reasons and corresponding actions need to be updated or changed.


Here's to being Sexy in 2009.




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