Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Sexy Chris Project: Actions

Aesthetics was the easiest category to discuss. Let’s move on to Actions (with Attitudes following some time in the near future.)

Never fully dressed

The following are from 5 different people:

Girls will be more likely to approach you, if you have a smile on your face.

Smile more. You're an attractive guy and you look good when you smile. And I believe some people think you don't like them and/or are angry because you can keep such a straight face. You just need to smile a little more when you're talking to people.

Add occasional smiles and perhaps suggestive eyebrow lifts. You may have to let up on the straight-faced look occasionally if you want girls to believe you're interested in what they're saying.

You are who you are, and that's not a bubbly, over-the-top guy, but be the best version of your real self. You actually have passions--don't be afraid of letting them show on the outside. Including for others. You don't have to play cool, aloof, sarcastic guy. Of course you don't want to follow girls of interest around and drool on them, but it's okay to show that you're excited to see/talk to/be with someone.

I thought you hated me. Actually, more accurately, I thought you hated everyone. Okay, maybe it wasn't hatred as much as . . . complete disinterest, but effectively it's about the same.

There were lots of random suggestions, such as making more eye contact and learning phat dance moves, but smiling won out as the most frequent complaint. What can I say, I don’t like smiling. Some weirdoes don’t like strawberries. It’s nearly incomprehensible. You may be incredulous, but I don’t like smiling.

To be more accurate, I don’t like artificial smiling. I have no issue with smiling when it happens naturally. But I have a very high smiling threshold. You have to be pretty funny, or I have to be pretty excited. To me an artificial smile is like a lie. Why should I lie to you?

Which is not to say I’m ignoring your advice Masses, because I’m not. I’ll work on smiling more. But to be fair you should work on being funnier. Which brings me to my next point.

I’m an A-hole

Again, the following are from 4 different people.

This is hard! As funny and sarcastic as you are, I bet you don't talk to some people because you feel they can't handle or won't find your humor appealing. All we can say is you don't know if you will like something until you try it.

I have heard from a reliable source that you in fact can be very sweet. However I think few people know that you are capable of being something other than your witty, sarcastic self. I am not saying you should not be yourself because you are indeed a very clever guy who I find hilarious, but maybe you could show the softer side of Chris to more people (meaning girls) once in awhile.

You are too mean. Yes, I like your sarcastic sense of humor, but maybe you should try talking to people outside of your social circle sometimes. Trust me, people don't think bad of you for talking to those who are "less popular" than you.

Chris, although I like your sarcastic tone, I think that it wouldn't hurt for you to be nice and smile once in a while. Girls like nice guys. Guys that smile and try to interact with others and genuinely care for others and their well being. Girls also like guys who show an interest in them and ask about them

Again, I’m not saying I don’t need to work on this, but I think it’s funny how many of the suggestions about my meanness said “I like your meanness, but others may not.” If my friends can handle it, why can’t my prospects? They can I suppose, but by requiring the girls I date to have thick skin it drastically narrows the field. And of course, meanness is not the same thing as sarcasm, which isn’t the same thing having a sense of humor. If I’m being genuinely mean (which I don’t think I am, but I could be mistaken) that needs to change, and my sarcasm could certainly be tempered. Though I think there’s a good chance I’m going to smile less if I try to be less sarcastic. That’s just what I find funny.

As the first advisor pointed out, I do self-select people that can handle me. I do so because I know that some people can’t, who are exactly the people that will think I’m just mean, not joking. It’s going to be hard to stop self-selecting people as I do, but I can work on it. I realize that my humor is not everyone’s cup of tea, so tend not to bother with people who “won’t get me.” This obviously limits me. I think the third advisors comment is interesting since I currently am pretty cliqueless, so I think unpopular by definition.

Combining this topic with my next is this quote:

Perhaps it's your intellect or your dry humor (which, by the bye, I'm actually rather a fan of) or your self-proclaimed reluctance to smile, but you're pretty unapproachable. Again, this may have to do with issues of self-confidence on my end, but if I'm in a room full of people, I can bet you that the first person I'm going to talk to will NOT be the dude who grimaces all the time while (however unintentionally) making me feel dumb. Not to make it sound like I think you do it on purpose, because I really don't feel like you're as much of a jerk as I first thought, but I will admit that I did pretty quickly decide that you were too much work to try and crack open.


Evidently, my meanness (or to be charitable, perceived meanness) keeps people away. This isn’t terribly surprising, and in the past I’ve viewed it as an acceptable loss. Not only am I unapproachable, but these two writers feel I’m too exclusive, and they’re right.

Your attitude is great sometimes. But at times you can seem distant and exclusive. Exclusivity is fun if you're one of the ones included, however, if you are on the outside, or perceive that you are it can be hard to get to know someone or look past their other faults

You always fulfill your callings and try to be social. You do however, seem to stick to the same people, which is good to have close friends, but you also need to expand your horizons and invite others in order to get to know them.

I frequently joke about being elitist. Now, I think a true elitist thinks they’re better than others. I try not to do this, as I’m pretty sure it’s NWJD, bad karma etc. I do however classify people into separate but equal groupings, and stick with my grouping. And I’m sure you’ve seen the theme for today, this limits me.

I’ve isolated myself from a large portion of the population. As an interesting twist, there’s a good reason why I haven’t thought this was a problem in the past. I’ve isolated myself from the main population, but I’ve brought cute girls with me.

I don't think you are super outgoing, but you seem to only want to be friends with attractive single girls. That can be intimidating to other girls who may not be super attractive, but would be a good match for you.

My first response to this post was, duh. What single guy doesn’t want to be friends with the attractive single girls? These are obviously the people I want to spend my time with. But this is a behavior that can be detrimental when taken to the extreme. Another writer offered this analysis as to why I do this:

You don't like men and you don't like to be challenged by men because you're afraid you'll fail. I suggest you walk out of your comfort zone and bevy of female friends to see if life exists outside of the world you've created for yourself where everything is seemingly "under control."

I don’t think I dislike men. I think I dislike sports, cars, fart jokes and life-partnerships with men, so don’t make hanging out with guys a priority. Furthermore I think some of my chronically single associates too often languish in the ease of guys/girls night. If I’m planning an activity, there are going to be girls there.

So if I seek to surround myself with attractive single girls (which I do) and succeed (which is questionable) why has this behavior failed me so thoroughly in my romantic endeavors?

In the wrong weight-class

My first suggestion would be to widen the pool you would be willing to date. I think previously you have gone after girls I won't say that were out of your league, but were definitely not interested in you romantically. Which you could say was their loss for not giving you a chance, but it is what it is. So I think asking out different types of girls and giving them a chance would be a good idea. You might be surprised.

It’s true that I have a tendency to go for the gold. And by gold, I mean brunette. And I have no problem with this. My problem is that I tend to chase the gold until time’s up, never considering the silver. Another writer read this first contribution and added the following

I also agree that you may be too rigid in what you think you want. Yes, you want to be equally yoked, but there can also some flexibility there. I did not marry the "type" of guy I thought I would, but now I can't imagine being married to anyone else. I know you're busy, but make time to go on lots of dates. And I know it's exhausting, but do it anyway. Don't have them be all be girls you think you're interested in, either. Open up your dating pool to include every girl in your ward/stake. Seriously. Not just the ones who are beautiful. Not just the ones who strike you immediately as brilliant and articulate. As long as they aren't repulsive or completely obnoxious to you, go out with them a time or two (not necessarily in succession) and be open to having a good time. Work to be a guy in your ward/stake who's a good guy and who's fun to go out with but not feel pressured by.

Dating everyone? I can’t say I’m thrilled with this line of thought. Sniping is so much more fun, and presumably efficient, than using the shotgun approach. Some take it even further:

A good flirt can flirt with other flirts, but a great flirt can flirt with anyone, even those who are less apt. I would like to see you flirt with every girl. Yes every girl. make it a game and use it as practice. You might find yourself interacting with more girls.

Always always always compliment a girl on something. I think you already know this but it's just good to make sure.

This is a tough one folks. It would help if I enjoyed flirting or dating more, but I don’t really. Another writer commented that I only see dating as a means to marriage, which is 100% true. I don’t enjoy dating, so why do it if there’s no chance for reward? I don’t go to job interviews for positions I’m not going to accept. But of course your argument is that I don’t know what jobs I’d like, and that the interview is how I’d find out, and that every interview is practice for that interview for the job I actually want to land. And you who are arguing this are probably the ones that are married. And I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying that it sounds like being sexy sucks.

1 comment:

Amy-Alisa said...

The smile thing might be genetic. Like watching a movie in the theater from the tops of your eyes (with your chin slightly pointed down) (Catherine and I both do this subconsciously). I often get/got asked in school or the halls, "What's wrong?". Uh, nothing. I just don't walk around with a smile plastered on my face. Even if it doesn't feel natural to you, it's not a lie to smile. You do have a nice smile. And smiling at someone can make that person feel good about themselves, and people like people who make them feel good about themselves. One of my favorite things about Travis is his smile (and his diastema). And it's definitely not a bad idea to go on dates with girls that are not your type or your perceived type.