The last one (I promise)

And now, the nerdiest rap battle ever written. 

If you want to gauge your nerdiness, or at least your Star Trek nerdiness, see how many references you can catch. There are 46. 

Rap Bat'leth

Turn on your communicator so you can understand                                                                       

I’m the Trekkie supreme, Star Trek’s Number One fan

I’m a Trekker true blue not a Trekkie like you

I know the trivia, got the toys, now what you gonna do?           

Collectibles you nerd, they’re not silly toys

Go home and play with the other girls and boys

And trivia? Forget it, you lack what I got

I know my Tuvok from my Spock from my Gul Dukat

Listen to what I say, cause I’ve said it before

Your brain is defective like Data’s brother Lore

You think you’re Q, the boss of time and space

You’re weaker than Uhura and got a Klingon’s face

That’s latinum rich, you making that remark

Your nose would fit in with Nog or Rom or Quark

And that skin you got, makes you look Cardassian

Use some moisturizer before you come back again

At least I got hair like Kirk, not yours like Picard

The glare from the sun is putting me off guard

I may look like Sisko, but I’ll take that any day

The captain you most resemble is Captain Janeway

Your glasses look stupid like Geordi LaForge

With that hipster look, you conform like a Borg

But unlike my man Levar, you ain’t got no smarts

You’re no positronic brain, you’re not even spare parts

Dang it Jim, I’m just a rapper not a doctor

I’m tired of diagnosing all the ways you’re improper

You think you’re the best? You got a problem neurological

Just ask Mr. Spock, he’ll say you’re highly illogical

Vulcans and Romulans some say they look the same

If you can’t tell the difference then get out of the game

Feel me like a Betazoid when you hear me say

Don’t live long and prosper, just get outta my way

You think you’re so tough, like Worf or a Gorn

Your breath’s the only thing strong, it stinks like Morn

The trouble with tribbles is they keep reproducing

That’s not trouble for you, you’re never seducing

You can only get ladies when you’re in the holodeck

Why should she Troi to your Riker, or give any respect

Not even a Vulcan would find your game fascinating

Warn the Federation if you’re the future of dating

This duel may encounter a point way too far

One of us could end up dead as Tasha Yar

I think I’d mop the floor with you like a pail of Odo

But we don’t need to stay solo, you know, yolo

Well beam me up Scotty, I think I do agree

I dominate my quadrant, but there are another 3

Our enterprising voyage into deep space far

We’ll call it a draw, and trek like a star

Up and Down Machu Picchu

If you'd like it bigger (though you should just click through to Youtube):

Music Monday

Years ago when trying to expand my brother's horizons concerning cello music I found Rasputina:



I was listening to Radiolab a couple weeks ago and came across this "Quantum Cellist." Turns out she's a member of Rasputina.

Case of the Mondays?

STOOD: The Entertainer

Of the sites I’m on, eHarmony seems the least helpful. Its main criteria for my matches seems to be that the person mentions God multiple times in their profile. I’ve tried adjusting all kinds of settings but that’s still the only common denominator.

One morning I get a message from a girl on eHarmony, saying that I look like a religious man and that’s what she’s looking for. I open her profile and it turns out that she’s very attractive. She has cheek piercings and kind of crazy makeup, but attractive. Who am I not to chat with a beautiful woman that has taken the initiative? I respond in some way, relatively briefly as I’m at work and just entering text on my phone.

Minutes later I get a lengthy response. Then another. Then another. Amongst the messages is the unfortunate news that her apartment complex had a fire last night and she needs a place to stay. She’s either looking for a bed or couch to crash on, or someone to pay for a week at an extended stay hotel until she can get things figured out. To complicate things she can’t talk to some of her friends or family because she’s in hiding from her ex-fiance that tried to kill her and she is on seizure medication that sometimes makes her confused.

Now I have the dilemma of an attractive girl, taking the initiative, but only to ask for money. One who dates men who try to kill her. Who wears crazy makeup who writes long somewhat jumbled emails and takes medications that are also often used for bipolar disorder. Whose job title is listed as “Entertainer” which seems like it might be eHarmony’s closest match for various sex related professions.

I’m curious, and clearly desperate as I’m online dating. So I do a bit of research. It turns out that an apartment complex in Phoenix did suffer extensive fire damage the night before. She had also given me the name of her boyfriend and he does show up as having been arrested for assault. So it seemed less likely that she’s a con artist, and more likely that she’s just an unstable person soliciting help.

Whether or not I could have helped we’ll never know as she never responded to my second message. I hope that she conned/convinced someone else to help her and didn’t end up in a hospital or prison or back home to her unsupportive family in South Dakota (I got a lot of info in those first flurry of messages.) She still has an eHarmony account though, so it looks like she hasn’t found the one. 

Stopping the Insanity, By Starting More

I just realized that anyone coming across my blog would think it’s a Star Trek fanfiction blog, and I can’t have that.

As a new feature of my blog:

STRANGE TALES OF ONLINE DATING!!!!

Firstly, I’ve been online dating. A large part of my relative silence these last months has been due to dating. The first half of the negligent period was because I was dating someone and allocating all my free time to her. The latter portion was primarily because I was depressed after we parted ways. They say that you need ½ the time of a relationship to get over it (they being romance scientists) but I’ve generally needed longer.

In any case, my grieving period was superimposed on top of turning 31, another milestone of dating failure and the whole situation has put me off the concept of meeting people and seeing if we like each other and forming relationships.

Enter online dating. Now I can browse people, almost never meet them and have little confidence if I do or do not actually like them. Improvement? No. But it has been entertaining when it hasn’t been depressing.

I took a shotgun approach. I found some good deals on eHarmony and LDSPlanet. I signed up for okcupid because it’s free, and reactivated my LDSlinkup account from years ago because it is also free. I also signed up for Tinder because it’s free and fairly entertaining. So at some point each day I try to make the rounds through these various sites. Nothing’s really come of it yet, but I’ll try to provide some amusing stories and observations through this new feature of STOOD.

Again with the poems

Beam

Me up

All other

Transportation

Would transport me too slowly to see you.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Was hoist by his petard.

Not a body in a morgue

But Locutus of Borg. 

Science officiating

Pointed ears pointing

Objectively observing

Command seconding

Kicking it Vulcan style

A New Wednesday Tradition

Alien beings, Cardassians, do everything for great honor. In juxtaposition, Kardashians love money, nonstop objectification, publicity. Quite rightly some Trekkies, understanding values, would Xanax, yielding zen. 

A

few

were

unsure

that TNG

could be as

good as TOS.

The same with

DS9. But         any

show                  trek

is a                           *!

Sonnet for Star Trek

Data himself could not measure the love

Held in my heart, even with his positronic brain.

More than the space between the stars above,

More than I want to see Wrath of Khan again.

More than a Ferengi loves his money.

More than a Vulcan loves his reason.

More than a Ferengi’s ears look funny.

More than Deep Space Nine’s final season.

If my love were a warp, it’d be warp 10.

Were it a phaser, it wouldn’t be set to stun.

It would phase so hard it could kill 10 men,

Or if they were Borg, maybe 2 or 1.

Enter this prize, this federation

Of 2 hearts, joined in adoration.

More Trek Poems (back with no popular demand)

Red-shirt

Interchangeable, expendable

Perishing, expiring, dying

Too bad, so sad

Extras

That J.J. Abrams

Must have a demonic deal.

Star Trek AND Star Wars?

The final frontier.

Where no man has gone before.

Love, a strange new world.

All Together Alone

Alone he stands on the bridge

His manner cool as a fridge

So sharp, but unable to grasp this notion

That humanity is about emotion

Spock stands alone.

Alone he stands in the fleet

The only AI in all the meat

Superior in almost every way

But discontent at the end of the day

Data stands alone.

Alone he stands in the station

One of his kind in all creation

He can take any shape, but would chuck it

If only he didn’t have to sleep in a bucket

Odo stands alone.

Alone she stands in the Quadrant Delta

Flirt your best but she wouldn’t have felt ya

Assimilate was what she couldn’t do

Her resistance was futile, but all she knew

7 of 9 stands alone.

Alone I stand, in my mother’s basement

I haven’t yet found a good replacement

One who cares about what I care about

And cares for me too, and draws me out

I stand alone.

Music Monday

I saw Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson a couple weeks back. I went on a whim, and it turns out it's hilarious, interesting and kind-of-but-not-entirely educational. I highly recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind a bit of blood, more than a bit of of swearing, and a tolerance to both musical theater and emo music.



And now for something completely different (BBAJ was a bit Pythony): Dar Williams covering David Bowie.

Nerdiest Post Ever?

I know, that's a tall order.

A friend hosts a monthlyish writing group. As I have become nearly incapable of writing without a deadline it is an opportunity for me to come up with some twisted thing that otherwise wouldn't be unleashed upon the world due to my laziness. This month's prompt was Star Trek Poetry. There was a contest to see who could come up with the most poems, so naturally I let my imagination run wild. I ended up with 15 poems, ranging from bad to horrible, but that was the whole idea of the night.

Fifteen is really far too much poetry to inflict upon you at once, so I'll spread them out over the coming weeks.

There once was a woman from Star Fleet

Who abhorred all things crass or effete.

She loved cleanliness and good

But rumor was that she would

Mess around if the messing was neat.

Romulans are treacherous.

Klingons are violent.

Wesley Crusher is best

When Wesley is silent.

Oh Captain My Captain (if only)

“Make it so” was all it took

Even if the ship rattled and shook

Each hand on deck did their part

The captain’s words made them start.

“Engage” he said and it was so.

No matter what the ship would go.

He didn’t need to shout “I’m the boss!”

His fingers he did not need to cross.

I’d shave my head, wax it too,

I’d become French, if I needed to,

I’d wear that uniform, just so you know,

To engage to you, I’d make it so.

Music Monday (kind of)

It's been a long while since I've blogged, so I'm not taxing myself today. I'm also pretending it's Monday. Basically I'm giving myself all kinds of leeway.

I've been greatly enjoying Family Tree. You should too:



And it has this charming ditty from Ron Sexsmith as the closing theme:



I saw She & Him a couple weeks back. Here's one of the songs from their latest album I particularly enjoy, though it's a nice fluffy album all around:



I was recently reminded (by myself) how much I like Stars. They have a new video out. I'm not sure I have connected the lyrics to the drag queens in any meaningful way, other than a kind of let's all get along message. Anyway, it's a good song.