Chris Mixtape Matrix

I developed a complex algorithm that allows me to create a perfect mixtape for any individual. It's patented, you can't use it. It goes something like this (but looks prettier on paper):

That wasn't an emoticon, just a parenthesis followed by a colon.

What's your name?   Quest:   Favorite Color:	Chris Mixtape Matrix	You need to get pumped for a test/interview/date. What do you listen to?
Name 3 bands you love > > >	Please rank the following:   Reggae ____ Hair Metal ____ Bluegrass ____ Trance ____ New Wave ____ Alternafolk ____ Mashup ____ J-Pop ____ Baroque ____ Bhangra ____	Top 3 Songs > > >
What's your favorite dance?		Movies Favorite Comedy: Drama: Guilty Pleasure:
What's your favorite season?
		Are the following ever acceptable? Country Y N Rap Y N Techno Y N Yanni Y N A Cappella Y N
Name a song you like   On the radio: From the 60s: 70s: 80s:
	Are you an Indie Kid?
	What's the last CD you bought?
		Your cat just died. What do you listen to?
	If you could seduce the ambassador of any nation, which would it be?
Sweetest music video
		TV Favorite ½ show: Hour-long show: Theme song:
What's the last song you downloaded?	Do you realize that David Bowie is awesome?
What's the last play you saw?	Essay Section:
		Who's the greatest band I haven't heard of?
Languages you speak:   Languages you like:

Crush

I have a crush on her voice.

Not her.

She's cute enough.

She seems like a fun person.

But I smile

When she says scheisse.

Bon Mardi Gras

I had the worst King Cake of my life today. Admittedly, all previous instances of King Cake were before the age of 6, and thus all cakes were rated pretty highly. Shame on you Kroger, for producing such a mediocre King Cake. But seeing as I bought it just so I could have the plastic baby for my own cake, I'll hold no grudge.

My attending is a good man, and a good doctor. But he has horrible taste in donuts. For starters, Tim Hortons is never the answer. But I understand the convenience factor. A bigger insight into his lack of donut-picking skills: a dozen plain cake donuts. Really? That seemed like a good idea? I'll just pretend that since they don't taste that good, they're not that bad for me. Almost certainly not true.

And because I like having 3 points, Paczki are delicious. I haven't had one in a year, but they're Polish donuts, served on Fat Tuesday. I'll likely pick some up from store tomorrow when they're practically free (it no longer being Fat Tuesday.)

The Cool Movie, Special Edition (ie with poor picture quality)

You can tell I have a test when I SAY I'm not going to post anything, and I in fact post 3x my normal amount.

Here's a movie I made last year. I wanted to make a movie without any church references, thus making it more accessible. Unfortunately I also wanted it to be half guerrilla interviews, which are really only funny if you know the person getting interrogated. So ultimately, it's less accessible than my previous movies.

But to compensate for being inaccessible to the masses, it's also incredibly long, over an hour. I'll probably get around to posting all the parts, but if you want to see them right away just check out my Youtube page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Ranteumptom

I lied. It's what I do.

Ok, study break.

So last night, on another study break, and as part of The Sexy Chris Project, I went Speed Dating. Primarily to get myself some funny 3 minute chunks of awkwardness. And wouldn’t you know it, I left empty handed.

That’s right, no awkwardness. No funny stories. No “this lawyer girl was SO crazy.” Only nice girls. Nice girls that may potentially be interested in me. What a waste of an evening.

So I left without any crazy stories, but here are some observations:

There were a gajillion med students there. Not among the girls; it seems that we have no single girls in my class. Turns out that whole “guys are intimidated by intelligent professional women” thing is a myth, which I could’ve told you. That being said, I did talk to 3 girls from the med school, who were all nice, cute etc and I’d be perfectly happy if they wanted to date again, speed or otherwise. But the point being that there were a lot of guys from the med school, proving that we either need help meeting girls, or know how to enjoy a free speed dating activity that OSU puts together for us. Hopefully the latter.

Conversations included: Possum tattoos, hitting on grade school teachers, far too many conversations about medical school, what color corn would be most profitable, power ties, far too many conversations about OH and NY, why I hate Chicago (which I don’t, I just had to get on her good side), why Europe looks awesome in movies, but not in real life, the movie Speed, the drug speed, speed reading, how dating people exclusively with your siblings’ names is creepy, why speed dating is capitalist, why speed dating is socialist, and why elephants are better than donkeys. I also called a girl obstinate, refused to buy another a drink, touched a girls ear and asked a couple about their lesbian tendencies.

Turns out, I can flirt. I’ve always been of the opinion that I don’t flirt, that I just talk to girls. But I just talked to the first couple girls, and realized that 3 minutes of me talking wasn’t getting the job done. I didn’t exactly say “Flirt mode activated” but looking back on my first 2 conversations versus my 20 some subsequent ones, there’s a definite difference.

Things that change talking into flirting:
1. First impression. I have a hard time flirting with people I already know. I think it being your first contact is an important element in making it flirting. Maybe it doesn’t have to be the exact first time you met, but I’d have a hard time flirting per se with a long time acquaintance. Flirting isn’t acting like your normal self, it’s a bit artificial, and someone that knows you well would be put off with a new Chris showing up one day.
2. Presenting. As I said, flirting is a bit artificial. It’s not the Chris that wakes up in the morning. It’s the Chris that is trying to make a presentation, a proposition. I’ve traditionally been against this. If I want a girl to like real Chris, why present them with SuperChris. They’re going to have to deal with normal Chris for the rest of their life. I can’t keep SuperChris going forever. So normally I don’t put on a presentation, I put normal Chris out there and they can decide if they like that. Is that lazy or honest? Probably both.

I’m sure I could analyze flirting for a great deal longer, but I won’t. Neurology isn’t going to study itself. If only.

** The lying in the post title refers to not posting before March, not lying to my speed dates. The only one I lied to was about hating Chicago, and we established at the beginning that I'd lie to help assuage her anger.

Never writing a full post again

Not true, I will. But probably not in the next week. But March will contain some great posts.

In the mean time, here's a video that I saw a couple days ago and have returned to most every day. Kids spouting (possibly pre-written) gibberish? That's good entertainment.

Reverse Debut

The song I parodied last month premiered on tv this week. It's like a time warp. But better than The Time Warp.

3 thoughts

Sure, people would die, but let's get rid of elevator doors anyway. It would make the ride more exciting and give an interesting view.



I got in the elevator yesterday and pressed 10. Instead it went down to the basement. Fair enough, I must've not seen it was going down. I pressed 10 again. It went up to 6, where the doors opened and no one got on. Then it went down to 4. I started to question if I existed.



Every time I get on an elevator at the same time as someone else I think "Should I make small talk?" The answer is always no.

Another post to lose me friends

Did you watch the Superbowl? Yeah, me neither. But I did watch this Transformers commercial they aired:

Did I see that right?

And it was pretty sad how happy it made me.

The first Transformers movie was pretty good, though certainly not great. Not great like the animated one, which was awesome in most every way. Seriously, Eric Idle, Leonard Nimoy, Orson Welles, robots swearing, and that sweet sweet 80s soundtrack. Watch this clip and be amazed. You'll probably want to stop watching at 3:30 or you might start crying.

Transformers: the REAL movie

Yeah, you probably weren't actually too impressed. But it was awesome when I was 4, and thanks to the power of nostalgia it gets to stay that way.

Anyway, the two clips have something in common.

1. Optimus getting his rear handed to him.
2. DEVASTATOR

Blink and you'll miss him, despite being several stories tall. He's at the very beginning of the animated clip and the end of the Michael Bay version.

Devastator taught me the power of teamwork. He taught me the word gestalt. He taught me to love green and purple. And I hope he crushes Shia LaBeouf.

Monty, Me and Markers

If I were not a med student, something else I’d like to be. If I were not a med student a graphic designer me.

Yes, I realize none of you got that reference. If you’d like to you can:
Watch this Monty Python Clip
Afterwards you can watch famous comedians tell why they love Monty Python
Then watch the full Monty Python sketch if you were converted

And actually, I’d probably be a writer. And after that probably an advertising consultant. But after that a graphic designer.

I like designing things; even mundane ones. Flyers. I kind of like making flyers. But it’s certainly more fun when I’m designing something for myself. Here are a couple ChrisMix covers:




Love Sucks Six is Saturday, and this is the logo:



Here’s a chronology of past logos:



Failing at my first 3 careers wouldn’t be so bad. Assuming people will hire me to make logos for parties.

First and Last in Line

I saw Coraline on Friday, which is probably before most of you. Unless you were part of the team making it, in which case, congratulations, it was pretty good. I wouldn’t’ve seen it the first day, but Kid Sister wanted to, so we obliged her.

I don’t have much to say about the movie. It’s a kid’s movie, so don’t expect anything too complex. But it’s well done, it looks great, and the music was great. The cat’s voice drove me crazy until I realized it was Goliath from Gargoyles, and the Arbiter from Halo. The topless lady was a bit of a surprise, and certainly makes me hesitant to suggest everyone take your kids to this movie. But if I ever procreate, this will be one of the movies I’ll let my kids watch. But only once per month. My kids will only be allowed to watch a particular movie once a month. There’ll be a schedule on the wall.

I’m probably the last person in the world to see Slumdog Millionaire, excluding those of you too moral to watch R rated films. And if you’re not going to see it fine, but if you were thinking about it, there are only a couple violent acts and some thematic stuff, but I’d feel fine giving a copy to most anyone.

I liked everything about the movie. I liked the story, style, acting, even the Bollywood dance at the end. But I can’t say that I loved it. My co-watchers thought the movie was depressing, which wasn’t really my problem. I just didn’t get terribly involved in the story. I thought it was good the whole time, I just didn’t feel any tension. Which makes me doubt it’s the best movie of the year.

gluckschmerz

Killing me slowly

I’ve got a fast food problem. The problem is that it’s so perfectly designed for me.

I like my food fast. There’s a certain time I like to sit down and eat a leisurely meal: when I’m in Europe. When I’m not in Europe, I like to eat quickly. When I’m cooking I frequently eat as I cook instead of sitting down afterwards. When I’m preparing food I usually eat it standing up. When I’m buying food I like to eat it while doing something else. While Columbus is deathly cold I’ve been taking the tunnels to and from work, which brings me right past the hospital’s Wendys. It’s very hard for me not to spend a couple dollars, grab a sandwich and be done with dinner before I reach my house.

I love exotic food, but in the end my palette isn’t very refined. I’m about equally happy with a couple items of the dollar menu as with a thirty dollar dinner. I’ve never had a fifty or hundred dollar dinner, but I suspect my enjoyment wouldn’t increase that much. Variety and exoticism are great, but frugality usually beats them out.

So I eat fast food, and certainly more often than I should. But I don’t order value meals. A value meal really just screws you for the rest of the day. It has too many calories, costs too much and makes me fuller than I want to be. And how often do I eat fast food with another person? Rarely. And following the rules of Chris, meals eaten alone should cost 2 dollars or less. Accordingly, here are my 5 favorite fast food lunch/dinners.

1. Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and Crispy Chicken Sandwich. This is the meal I get when that darn hospital Wendy’s pulls me in. These are definitely the 2 items to get. The Doublestack has an unfavorable grease to flavor ratio, and the chicken nuggets frequently cost more than a dollar. This is the best combo available.

2. Burger King Whopper Junior and Spicy Chicken Crisp. The quality isn’t quite as good as choice 1, but the whopper has more veggies and the chicken has more flavor. This combo is dangerous because I’m tempted to get the Hershey’s Chocolate Pie, which is delicious, but brings the meal up to a rarely acceptable 3.50.

3. McDonald’s 2 Apple Pies and 5 Piece Nugget (with Sweet and Sour sauce.) The important thing here is the apple pie, because they’re delicious. I did once order 8 apple pies, and proceeded to eat them over the next 3 days. I was studying for the Boards, sue me. This chicken nuggets aren’t nearly as good as Wendy’s version, but they have much more nostalgia.

4. Taco Bell Beef and Potato Burrito and Big Taste Taco. Sadly, my local Taco Bell no longer carries the Beef and Potato for 1.50, so this meal is defunct. I have yet to find a worthy replacement on the menu. The Big Taste taco is great and has replaced my old choice of Double Decker.

5. KFC Chicken Fried Steak Meal. This meal is a great deal for 2 dollars. However, I refuse to buy it when it’s 3 dollars. It’s exactly 2 dollars delicious.

I need to watch Supersize Me again, because it certainly didn’t do a good job deterring me the first time. Maybe I’ll watch it with some of my patient’s to try to pack on an extra layer of guilt. But really, now that I know a bunch of octogenarians, it doesn't really seem that great. Seems like 50 with apple pies is better than 80 without. But don't tell my patients that.

Coattails

I'm too tired to write an actual entry tonight (screw you 15 hour days w/ no lunch), but I've had a couple requests for the lyrics of The Ex-Girlfriend Choir. So here they are:

C: Lorretta broke it off in a letter, she told me she was leavin and her life would be better
Joan broke up with me over the phone, after the tone she left me alone.
Jenn said she'd never ever see me again, when I saw her again, she said it again.
Fran met another man.
Lisa got amnesia and forgot who I am.
Felicity said there was no electricity, Emily, no chemistry.
Jan ran, Beth left, Flo had to go I couldn't go with the flow.
C/P :Carol Brown just took a bus out of town...
C: But I'm hoping that you'll stick around.

Break

C: Kate Wallace, wants a guy that is flawless
I told her that I was, but she dumped me regardless
I thought, it was going well,
but then Michelle said go to Dayton.
Laura, looked at me and just said next
Kari didn’t call, she said no by text
Kristen, said I didn’t listen
Or something I’m not sure, I was watching The Simpsons.
Dorotty dumped me with authority
Candace, with malice
Neuenswanders, I tried all 3
The whole family wants not to be with me
C/P :Merideth Brown took Skybus out of town...
C: But I'm hoping that you'll stick around.

P: He cannot cook he is not good boyfriend material.
C: We can eat cereal.
P: He'll lose interest fast, his relationships never last.
C: Shut up girlfriends from the past.
P: He's irresponsible, he almost never does his hometeaching.
C: Mmmmmmm who organized these girls into a choir and asked them to sing?
P: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah aaaaaaah

C: Nikki, well Nikki kicked me
Dan turned out to be a man.
Kelsi, Chelsea, Brandy and Mandy, I’ve got a long list of girls that can’t stand me.
Summer lovin, had me a blast
Summer lovin, it was gone so fast
C/P: Annie Blam flew to Vietnam.


C: Love is a delicate thing, it could just float away on a breeze.
P: He said the same thing to me.
C: How will we ever know if we found the right person in this world?
P: He means he looks at other girls.
C: Love is a mystery it does not follow the rules.
P: This guy is a fool.
C: Shut up girlfriends from the past choir.
P: He's a tool.
C: Shut up girlfriends from the past choir.
P: He is just a boy he is a man who never grew up!
C: I thought I told you to shutup.
P: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

C: Sharaya, turned out to be a playa
I can't believe you betrayed me Dan!
Ooooooh who organized all these girls into a choir, was it you Merideth Brown, was it you Carol Brown?
C/P: Carol brown just took a bus out of town.
C: But I'm hoping that you'll stick around.


Also, here's the version of the song we heard here in Columbus:

Conchord Goodness

Ex-Girlfriend Choir

Here's what I did last weekend. I got uncharacteristically nervous so my vocals aren't very good, but oh well. Thanks to Pete, Kari, Kate, Bret and Jemaine for helping out.