Commentary on Jersey Shore

A couple weeks ago I watched 4 hours of Jersey Shore. Put away your pitchforks, I had some very compelling reasons for doing so. I was on call, so stuck at the hospital, with only basic cable to entertain me. But more importantly, cute girls, and a specific cute girl, seem to watch this show. I feel that any activity that helps me better understand cute girls is worthwhile. Here are some things I learned.

- I'm not attracted to any women on the Jersey Shore. This was a bit surprising since television doesn't usually let many women on its pristine screen that aren't absurdly attractive. These women aren't absurdly attractive. It could be that I don't watch reality tv, so am used to fake people on my scripted programs. Or it could be that their behavior makes them unattractive.

- That being said, I would totally hang out with Snooki. If you don't think of her as a stupid person, but as a very clever pet, it would work out.

- I'm not a big fan of anyone else, but I would also hang out with Pauly D. He's the funniest of the bunch and his hair alone is entertaining.

- I don't understand how the men achieve these bodies, and especially don't understand how they maintain them when they never seem to work out and eat crap all day. Maybe they're having really athletic sex.

- Speaking of sex, I think smush is the most awesomely unromantic euphemism I've ever heard. It's definitely added to my thesaurus.

- I can't watch reality tv. I find the pacing infuriating. A semi-proficient editor could whittle an hour of Jersey Shore into 6 minutes of plot.

- I can't watch reality tv. I get mad at the "stars." Mostly it's envy that they get paid ridiculous sums of money to be ridiculous, and I want that deal. So if anyone is looking to cast a show about Mormon psychiatrists in the Southwest, give me a ring.

- I probably couldn't be on reality television. The Jersey Shorians seem to forget that they have cameras on them, or else don't care what America thinks of them. We all act differently in private than in public. I wouldn't be able to put down my public behavior with the cameras rolling.

- I feel like they need to ship the cast to Italy. They're always talking about being Italian, and I think their definition of being Italian wouldn't fly in Italy.

- It does make me want to eat gelato.