Tuesday, August 10, 2010

This Just In: Kesha is not a human

All my dars are pretty faulty. My radar, gaydar, flirtdar, even my robodar. So it took me a while to realize it, but Ke$ha is a robot.

Exhibit A – What are some typical robot names? C3PO. T 1000. What are some typical human names? Rupert. Evelyn. Which category does Ke – dollar sign – ha fall into?

Exhibit B – Most people think Ke$ha uses an auto-tuner. Not true. I watched her videos this afternoon and there are no auto-tuners in sight. That my friends, is just her voice. Robotic no?

Exhibit C – Have you seen her “dance?” She dances as well as the Terminator. She waves her hands every once in a while, but it’s about as convincing as those dancing cans and flowers you could buy in the 90s.

Exhibit D – Her lyrics. They’re not the worst thing on the radio. That honor goes to Usher’s masterpiece OMG. The title would imply a 12 year old girl wrote it, but in fact a 10 year old boy wrote it. “Honey got a booty like pow pow pow.” But that’s not the point. Kesha (I’ve given up on reaching for that dollar sign) has lyrics that are nearly as bad. She rhymes crunk with drunk. But any simpleton can have bad lyrics. The key to knowing that Kesha is a robot is that her lyrics make no sense at all. No one insists on men that look like Mick Jagger. Her lyrics are clearly constructed like a robot compiling pop culture elements. A Kesha song is basically: Sex, Alcohol, Sex, Rock and Roll, Something that rhymes with Sex. Along with a predictable beat. Who’s good at coming up with pop clich├ęs streamed over a predictable beat? A robot.

Exhibit E – In the 21 seasons of The Simpsons, every single episode has used The Simpsons theme in the opening credits. Until Tik Tok opened an episode this season. Who could force the hand of the juggernaut that is The Simpsons to stop a 20 year tradition? An evil robot.

So there you have it. Ke$ha is a robot. Here’s hoping she runs out of alcohol to fuel her circuits or catches some type of a fatal virus soon.

1 comment:

Paul said...

This was a great post. Very convincing. Very entertaining.