Wednesday, March 30, 2011


It's National Doctor's Day. I know I didn't give out any hints or reminders, so I'll accept presents any time over the next week.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Cheating Heart

I've been cheating on you.

For years, I've been telling you that you're my one true love. I've shouted it from the rooftops. I briefly considered that tattoo. Sure, I've dabbled. I never claimed monogamy was my cup of tea. Only that you were my cup of tea, and that I would always come back to you.

Sorry Diet Dr Pepper.

I'm not sure how it happened. I think part of it was being in South Africa last year. They didn't have Diet Dr Pepper. What was I to do? Drink water? Like a poor person? Or alternatively, like a rich douchebag? I think not. So I turned to what was available, the cheap and easy town bicycle of international sodas. Coke Zero.

Sure, Diet Coke is now the #2 soda in the US, after Coke and before Pepsi. But internationally, Diet Coke has no game. Coke Zero is the latest and greatest way to fend of dysentery and unwanted sucrose.

At the hospital I have the following options: Diet Coke, Diet Dr Pepper, Diet Sprite and Coke Zero. Sometimes I have Powerade or VitaminWater and I don't feel bad about that. That's not cheating, that's just . . . swinging maybe? Diet Sprite is rubbish, I'd never cheat on you with that floozy. And Diet Coke gets a swig every now and again, but it might as well just be the secretary at the Christmas party. So it comes down to Diet Dr Pepper, the approved beverage of the modern day physician, and Coke Zero. And it breaks my heart to say so, but Coke Zero often wins. 62% of the time it wins. Sure, that's not a landslide victory; we're pretty much in a polygamous relationship Diet Dr Pepper. But you get 3 days a week, and Coke Zero gets 4.

I'm not saying I'm going to leave you Diet Dr Pepper. Just that you're the soda de jure, but Coke Zero is the soda de facto. Maybe things will change. Maybe you'll add a 24th flavor. But I don't think it's your taste that has to change, it's mine.

Help Wanted

As you may know, I'm going to Thailand in a couple weeks. Which is awesome, btw.

However, I'm in need of some assistance. If you're in the Phoenix area:

1. Do you have a Type A or Type C socket adapter? They're the two equal sized prongs similar to ours, and the two cylindrical ones.
2. Do you have a neck pillow?
3. Do you have a suggestion for a good book to read? Keep in mind that for all intents and purposes I haven't read anything in the last decade, and I am primarily interested in books under 200 pages to better fit in my restricted luggage.

If you're not in Phoenix:

1. Have you been to Thailand? If so, any suggestions?
2. Do you have a suggestion for a good book to read?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Fashion Late

I am a novelty glutton. Whether it be the latest in food, music, birthday parties, whathaveyou, I want to experience it. So when I heard there was a fashion show going down in Scottsdale last weekend, I was all in. Not that I’m that into fashion; I’m pretty sure the last article of clothing I purchased was from a grocery store. Socks by the way, not a suit or anything. But I’ve never been to a fashion show, ergo, I must go. Plus it was a friend’s birthday celebration, and fashion is her thing, so all the more reason to try it out.

Venturing into Scottsdale on a weekend night is always an experience. Short skirts, polo shirts, fake tans and fake boobs. It’s not a bad place by any means, just a place where a lot of attention is paid to the veneers and exteriors. Where better to hold a fashion show? But I knew that I was venturing out of my element, and wanted a partner who’s fashion savvy would balance my naïveté, so invited Scrappy along to help me from embarrassing myself.

The show was at The W, which is by far the nicest hotel I’ve ever been in. Nicer than a Marriott you guys. Though mostly when I travel I stay in hostels, or in the back of my car, so the nicest hotel I’ve ever been in is not the greatest of praise. But there were sports cars out front, bouncers at the door, multiple concierges and make-out music in the elevator, so it was fancy to me. And then we got to the rooftop. (Fake) white sand beaches, filled with the aforementioned fake tans, boobs and perhaps fake people. There were multiple bars with a multitude of drinks, with numerous tipsy drinkers and strangely, girls in slutty softball outfits serving them. It was an odd contrast to see the clearly expensively attired party-goers mixed with workers in sorority Halloween costumes. But the night was nominally to a baseball theme, so I guess that’s the best that could be done.

We explored the roof for a while, a bit shell-shocked by the surroundings. The night became a bit of a contest, so spot the highest heels, biggest biceps, most outrageous dress etc. We met up with some friends and our party party gradually grew. Eventually we made our way over to the pool where the actual show would occur. We didn’t know when the show was going to start, but it turns out fashionably late is actually a real thing. The show started around 11 PM, which kind of blew my little Mormon mind. Hadn’t these people ever heard of 7 PM tip?

The show itself probably would’ve been a bit awkward if I were someone prone to feeling awkward. Though there was another guy or two around, I was mostly watching the show with 6 girls. The show that consisted of 90% naked women doing nothing but strutting and posing. Yes, there were some male models, and sometimes the women had on more than a bikini, but not that often. So it was a bit odd, but definitely a novel experience. I didn’t really know what the appropriate commentary was, but Scrappy and I made it through without saying anything too inappropriate. I was hoping one of the high-rollers would invite us into one of their luxury booths so we could scale the social ladder, but no such luck. So we had to stop by In and Out on the way home to prove that the show hadn’t completely obliterated our body image.

So now I’ve been to a fashion show. What’s up next? I missed the Renaissance fair last week so I’ll have to keep looking for something suitably unfashionable.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Bad Omens at the Barbershop

1. I walked in and there was no wait. DUH duh DUHHH. Shows how popular the place is.

2. After inquiring about what I wanted done, the cutperson’s opening line was “Man, technology these days huh?” Clearly I was going to have write a thesis of small talk with this guy.

3. During the haircut a 70 year old guy walks past points to my in process haircut and says to his stylist “I’ll have what he’s having.” That’s right, I’m a trendsetter for 70 year olds.

4. My haircut winds down with a conversation about how my stylist was recently fired from his job . . . in construction. Guess Bob the Builder is looking for extra tip.

You might take these bad omens to mean I got a bad haircut. Because I’m hair-blind, I don’t know if that is the case. And since people universally compliment haircuts, I’ll never know.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Daily Laugh

I'm not just posting this because Dan and I have the same favorite dinosaur. But it certainly helps that we have the same favorite dinosaur. He swears a little bit, because it's hard not to when discussing the passionate topic of dinosaurs.

As a bonus, here's Paul F. Tompkins, being hilarious, as he often is. Fair warning: he is going to spend the entire 5 minutes discussing fake peanut brittle.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Ambiguously Gay Weekend

Squeeky Pete came down to Phoenix for the weekend. I’m a notoriously bad long distance friend/friend/person so we haven’t really spoken much after 4 years of doing most everything in tandem, but he had a couple days to kill and Phoenix is admittedly better than Ogden.

Because we lived together for 4 years, and went to school together, to church together, to most social events together, and on some dates together, it had sometimes been joked that we were, in fact, together. Sadly, we’re both heterosexuals, we’re just not terribly good at it. But as if to defy people to believe that we in fact like women, we spent the day together, enjoying stereotypically homosexual activities.

We started by going out to breakfast together at US Egg. At least it wasn’t brunch. But it was actually pretty great, especially the protein pancakes. On the way back to my place we happened across the Scottsdale Art Festival. And being an ambiguously gay duo, we decided to spend the next couple hours at the art show. I came across some pieces I quite liked, but decided not to buy anything until I actually have an office in which to put them, which will be in another year.

After the art show, we went to a musical. Not even a manly drama, a musical. Though, it was Avenue Q, so it was hardly a girly musical. I’d seen it before in NYC, and thought the local troupe did a great job. Other than a couple slight prop blips and a little bit of toned-down dialogue, it was just as good as the original production.

We did try to be at least a little bit social and went to our ward activity. There we enjoyed the company of women, some tense pinewood derby races, and our daily dose of white trash hair metal. We didn’t stay too long as we went to The Adjustment Bureau shortly thereafter, which I wouldn’t qualify as stereotypically gay or straight. It was however an interesting, if flawed, film.

Anyway, that was my ambiguous weekend. I should point out that Squeeky is now back in Utah, so any women in Arizona who would like to take his place on similar days of brunch, art, musicals (and pinewood derbies) are welcome to apply.

Friday, March 11, 2011


Would you make fun of a blind person? I would.

I suspect the Charlie Sheen media circus will continue for some time, but I, for one, am mostly over it. He's now TRYING to sound crazy which isn't nearly as interesting as just being crazy. But that doesn't change the fact that he may well have an underlying mental illness. It's unethical for me as a psychiatrist to attempt to diagnose someone I haven't examined, and it would be unethical for me to relay that diagnosis to you if I had examined him. But let's just say that he is currently acting a lot like various people who I have diagnosed as having a particular mental illness. That being the case, should you be mocking him?

I say you, because you, who are reading this, probably have mocked him. I know I have. But would you mock someone who was blind? Would you make fun of someone with diabetes? Would it matter to you whether that person had Type I or II diabetes? Who is it ok to ridicule and who is it not?

The safest/best route, which I have no intention of following because I'm a bad person, is that we shouldn't make fun of anybody. Sick, crazy, lazy, annoying, no matter, no mocking. I'm not prepared to be that good of a person. But not only am I not ready to be that nice, I'm not ready to be that unobservant.

Having a fault doesn't make you a bad person. Being bipolar doesn't make you a bad person, nor does being blind, nor does liking Two and a Half Men. It makes you a flawed person. That is to say, it makes you a person.

I make fun of people I don't like. I don't feel good about it, but it certainly helps me vent and be more relaxed. I also make fun of people I do like. Because the fact that they have a mockable foible doesn't mean I don't like them. It means they are a person. And as a person, I don't expect them to be perfect. If I did, I'd be constantly disappointed. And I'm not. I'm not disappointed because I remember people's faults very well. I have a friend, who we'll call Yogi. Yogi is a fantastic person, who at the best of times has a 50% success rate at doing what she has committed to doing. She's the consummate flake. And because I know that about her, and joke about it, I'm not disappointed when she flakes. Yes, I don't rely on her much, and it's one of a variety of reasons that I'm not interested in dating her, but I don't hold it against her. She's a person, and is one who happens to be unreliable. And she's my friend.

So if I know you well enough to notice your flaws (this generally takes 3 minutes or so) I'm going to make fun of them. But it doesn't mean I won't like you. It means I see the world as it is, and I accept a great many things. Some people are flakey, some people are crazy, some people are blind. Ridicule and gossip are very similar to jest and truth telling. The flaws may well be the same, it's your attitude about them that differs. If you can be happier by accepting and making light of the imperfections inherent in the world, more power to you. Just make sure the blind guy has a sense of humor. And don't party with Charlie Sheen.

Self Censor

I got a text this morning.

Japan hit by 8.9 earthquake. Pray for people in Japan. 5th largest earthquake in world history!

What I wanted to say is:
1. It's the 5th largest earthquake since we started recording earthquakes, which started in 1900.
2. The earthquake hit 200 miles off the coast of Japan. The tsunami is likely to cause as much if not more damage than the earthquake.
3. Scientists don't use the Richter scale anymore, they use the MMS.

What I said was: nothing. See, I'm becoming a better person. I will pray for Japan, and I won't be a know-it-all to everyone, only to you.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


My life is slowly crumbling around me. Soon I'll be nothing but forgotten ruins, ash, and other post-apocalyptic type imagery.

First, my desktop had a stroke. I turned it on one morning to discover a yellow line down the middle of the screen. Some tube or diode or pixel string has burned out, resulting in an ugly yellow line traversing everything I do. Sometimes I forget about, until I'm watching something and wonder why there's a crack or streamer or something in the middle of the video. Then I remember my screen is broken. Sometimes I get distracted from the video by waiting for the line to perfectly transect a character. In any case, the screen is broken, but I highly doubt it's going to be worthwhile to pay someone to repair a 5 year old Mac. So I'll just have to deal with it.

Then the corruption spread. My PC has fallen prey to a virus. And not your standard, run-of-the-mill slows down your computer virus. This is the cartoonish crashes-everything virus. This virus causes pop-ups to pop up almost as quickly as I can close them. It prevents me from opening my anti-virus software, claiming that the anti-virus software is a virus. The computer has become effectively inusable. Which means . . . I've become a Mac person. Gasp! With the death of my PC I have, by default, become someone who only owns a (functional) Mac. Some of you may have noticed how much more smug and annoying I've been the last couple days. It's because I'm a Mac person now.

Yesterday I left work only to discover that my windshield is cracked. My windshield was not cracked when I went into work, but evidently someone went rally racing in my Subaru while I spend my day in lectures. Upon closer inspection I find a chip below my wiper blades, which I'd assume is the was the source of the crack that now arcs across my passanger side.

Clearly, the end is near. Bit by bit my life is lapsing into disrepair and destruction. My toys are just unable to keep up with my rock and roll lifestyle. Or that gypsy curse has finally caught up with me. Or maybe I'm an adult. One thing's for sure. I don't like it.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Things you didn't know existed:

Chap Hop.

It's steampunk hip hop. That is, it's people pretending what it would be like to rap in Victorian times. And forget Biggie and Tupac, chap hop has it's own feud: Mr. B versus Professor Elemental. If you're only going to watch one video, watch the last one, as it has a sick hook.

Professor Elemental:

Mr. B:

Now the feud begins:

I'm on team Elemental btw.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Stamp collecting

I was going to post something, then realized it was immensely nerdy, and that my last post was immensely nerdy, and the quantity of nerdiness would have caused my blog to implode. Much like that previous sentence. So tomorrow you’ll get an immensely nerdy post, and today only a moderately nerdy one.

Hobby updates:

1. Watching movies – I successfully saw most of the Oscar movies. I may get around to The Kids are Alright or 127 Hours still, but I wouldn’t count on it. My next cinema goal is finally watching Twin Peaks. I need motivation, so if you’re living in Phoenix and want to watch Twin Peaks, let me know.

2. Making movies - My next movie is written, but it needs some work. I’m going to clean it up over the next couple weeks, then I’m going to send it out for some punch up. So if you’re interested in doing some punch up, let me know. This will probably appeal most to the people who know what punch up is. Because I’ll be out of town for half of April, filming will probably occur in May.

3. Trivia – After our triumphant victory earlier this year, we have failed to make it into the top 3 in subsequent outings. But last week we only got 3 questions wrong all night, which I counted as a success. Plus we had fun, so I guess that’s important too. But if you know where Dirty Dancing was set, where 12% of teenagers first have intercourse or who the first two dogs inducted into the Animal Hall of Fame, you should come to trivia with us.

4. Travel – It’s March, which means I’m going to Thailand next month. Sweet. I guess I could’ve written a post about the whens/whys/whatnots regarding that trip, but I’ll do that some other time, preferably before April.

5. Napping – I read the other day that the human brain may function better with two 4 hour periods of sleep a day rather than one 8 hour period. Which may explain why I enjoy 4 hour naps.

I think it would be funny if you said your hobby was stamp collecting, but your actual hobby was taking pictures of tramp stamps and then scrapbooking those pictures. In fact that would make a great coffee table book. If you want to do that and give me 10% of the proceeds, I support you.