Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pop Romance 2.0

Stop, collaborate and listen, Chris is back with a brand new poem

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?) My name is.. [scratches] Chris
Hello, I love you won’t you tell me your name?

The real me is a Southern girl With her Levi's on and an open heart

Breaking my back just to know your name

I am a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world I’m made of plastic. It’s fantastic

So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with mebecause you look so fine and i really wanna make you mine.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me

Well she's got a hotty body, but her attitude is potty

I bet you want the goodies.Bet you thought about it.

I like big butts, and I cannot lie You other brothers can’t deny When a girl walks in with a little bitty waist And a round thing in your face . . .

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, its better than yours,

What you gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?

I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump.

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on sugar let me know.

That don't impress me much So you got the looks but have you got the touch

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts And I'm too sexy for my hat Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

All I want to do is have some fun
I have a feeling that I’m not the only one

Girls. All I really want is girls.
In the morning it’s girls
Cause in the evening it’s girls.

Girls don’t like boys,
Girls like cars and money.

I believe in a thing called loveJust listen to the rhythm of my heart

If you wanna be with meBaby there's a price to payI'm a genie in a bottle

Just the two of us we can make it if we try

Im talkin' boutL,O,L,O,L,O,L.O.V.EL,O,L,O,L,O

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touchI need your understanding, I need your love so much

Can you feel the love tonight?

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me.

Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

A few times I've been around that trackSo it's not just gonna happen like thatBecause I ain't no hollaback girl

Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (Don't want to meet your daddy, OHH OH)Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just want you in my Caddy OHH OH)

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes,
I saw the sign,

This love has taken its toll on meShe said Goodbye too many times before

get out (leave) right now it’s the end of you and me

If you want to destroy my sweaterHold this thread as I walk away

My loneliness is killing me I must confess I still believe When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me baby one more time

I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down

I get knocked down, but I get up again Ya ain’t never gonna keep me down

Quit playin' games with my heart Before you tear us apart

Chill out
What you yellin for?
Lay back
It's all been done before

Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heartI just don't think it'd understand

Oops!...I did it again I played with your heart, got lost in the game Oh baby, baby

Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel Closer than my peeps you are to me

Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me cause it hurts

Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cry?

It's been one week since you looked at meCocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"

Do you believe in life after love?

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever, friendship never ends.

Lovin is what I got,
I say remember that.

I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for

I've been a bad bad girl I've been careless with a delicate man

Dreams last so long, even after you’re gone I know, that you love me and soon you will see You were meant for me and I was meant for you

Kiss me out of the bearded barley Nightly, beside the green, green grass Swing, swing, swing the spinning step You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

This kiss, this kiss

Did you ever know that you’re my hero?


You’re all I ever wantedYou’re all I ever needed

And I E, I, Will Always Love You (in unison)

Hideous Reposting

Sorry to repost, but I really want to beat the number of posts over at Mandarin Ranteumptom.  If you didn’t care about this poem the first time you won’t now, but the meter is better now.  Plus there’s more nonsense words, and who doesn’t like those?

Jabberwocky 2: The Bandersnatch Strikes Back

Twas usken in the tulgey wood,
All slithy toves had mit away.
Outgrabery ceased, as it should
When muskly blanes to grey.

The Bandersnatch, that fruminous treep,
Apripped his way from tree to stalk
And came upon the vorpalled heap:
The now-slain Jabberwock.

His ruptous roar did rip the air,
And with his maw turned widdershins
He sniffed the brush and he did rush
Through Vars and Cindergrins.

His tangral eyes did mence and glame,
Distling rain sluck his mizzly skin.
Mome raths tremed and fled as he came,
To rectivenge his kin.

He found the lad, that vicious gad
So lately a capitious thief,
His claw raised high, he krayed a cry
And trunched the boy beneath.

And with the Jabberwock avenged,
He turned without a eul or word.
The fiend he slew, and back into
The bambish night he slurred.

Twas usken in the tulgey wood,
All slithy toves had mit away.
Outgrabery ceased, as it should
When muskly blanes to grey.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Weekend Update

I had doing recaps of weeks, but there were several interesting events that I never got around to reporting on individually, and seem to deserve at least a mention.

I had two presentations last week.  The first was a 20 minute one on irony, which was probably more interesting researching than presenting.  I didn’t realize how often we call something ironic, when literarily it is no such thing.  For instance, there is only one instance of irony in the song Ironic by Alanis Morisette.  Who knew?  I was rather proud of myself for being the first presenter in our class to figure out how to use the AV equipment to supplement my presentation.  Those silly English majors can’t figure anything out.  So a couple songs and video clips allowed me to easily fill the time.  I also led part of a presentation on stem cell research for Neurobio on Friday, which was also quite informative.  But by far the most amusing part of the class was when a girl started going off on what she’s heard the church handbook says about abortion and it not being the equivalent of murder.  We made sure to jump back to the nature of pluripotent stem cells purdy darn quick.

Academically that’s all that’s been going on.  I got the only perfect score for my Bandersnatch poem, which I ended up altering to make it fit the Carrol’s meter more accurately.  In other poetry news I performed a poetry recitation at our ward talent show on Friday.  I did about five minutes of standup type material before doing a poem with a volunteer from the audience.  It was based on the Pop Romance poem from couple years back, but updated to more current songs.  I think I can safely say it was the funniest act of the night, with an Oompa Loompa dance and DDR presentation coming in close second.  There were of course the obligatory talented people at the talent show (singing, dancing, instruments etc) but these were less interesting to me than the novelty acts.  

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Twalk Amongst Yourselves

So I’m feeling tremendously nerdy that this is my 4th post in 12 hours.  But I thought I’d better get this up ASAP.

My next article assignment is due in a week, and I need some help.  What are ways to get rid of stress during finals week?  Schooled has given up on me being factual in my articles (I’d much rather be a humorist than a journalist) so your suggestions are going to constitute my research.  Let me know.

Song of this portion of the day: “Bury my Lovely” October Project

Chicken Soup for the Autistic Soul

Here’s a sappy feel good story.  Not exactly my specialty, but I liked this one.  It takes place in Rochester and involves neural disorders, so it has that going for it.



Thank Goodness For Immunity

The list of negative aspects of my body is truly staggering.  Short, pudgy, potentially balding, definitely graying, slow, poor reflexes, slow metabolism etc etc.  I could go on, but you get the picture.  Evolutionarily I’m not much of a contender to be the fittest in any survival contest.  Except perhaps a trivia contest, but these rarely determine who survives to the next round.  The one thing this tainted viscera has going for it is one heck of an immune system.  I rarely get sick and am able to recover from any ailment yet thrown at me in record time.  This last week once again demonstrated the amazing efficacy of my antibodies and lymph nodes.

On Tuesday my roommate John got sick.  We assume it was influenza of some form and he was immediately down and out.  He spent the next few days confined to his bed, with the occasional adventure out to use his computer, 2 feet away.  Sick roommates are always quite a health hazard, and little can be done to avoid the impending disease state.  As I said, I usually avoid the illness altogether.  My freshman year I had a roommate who was sick for a week and half, in our cramped dorm room, and I avoided the whole ordeal.  Other than having to run errands for him and sing lullabies and all that unfortunate business.  But sadly I didn’t make it through this outbreak unscathed.

My last possible contact with John was Wednesday at 7:30 AM.  I left for racquetball and miraculously won 2 games, which I believe to be a first.  I didn’t return to our germ/virus/fungus filled home until 10 PM that night.  I had a slight headache, but considering the fact that I work around a dozen harmful and odiferous chemicals, this isn’t that unusual.  I sat down on my couch and turned on the Jim Gaffigan special I had just purchased (which is amazing by the way) and within about 15 minutes I went from slight headache to throbbing pain and uncontrollable shivering.  Hurray for fevers!  With no other options available to me I popped 2 Tylenol PMs (mixed with Mountain Dew to rush the effects) and jumped in the shower.  When all the hot water was gone I put on a couple layers of clothing (I’m now used to sleeping in sweaters after living in China) and went to sleep.  I awoke nearly 12 hours later, no longer febrile but still plenty sick.  I roughed it through a relatively busy day, finally getting some Aleve at the end of the day.  I was up until about 2 researching but by that point I was 90% cured.  I’ve been pill popping a bit since, but am relatively symptom free.

Wow, that may have been the most boring post ever.  Point being I rushed through the flu in 24 hours while running all around Provo where it has knocked out some for nearly a week.  Immune system: I salute you.

Song of the day: “My Name is Love” Rob Dickinson
Jim Gaffigan quote of the day: “I got a robe for Christmas.  I remember thinking “Hope I get the flu so I can use this robe.””


Today is the one year anniversary of Hugh Nibley’s death.  By today I really mean yesterday, since it is 2:30 in the morning, but none of you were keeping track of the days anyway so it doesn’t really matter that much.  I wasn’t keeping track either, but since his daughter teaches my class she reminded us of the fact.  It wasn’t that she stood up and said “My father, Hugh Nibley, died a year ago today.  Honor his memory.  Or else.”  She was actually rather circumspect about it, as she has been all semester.  In fact she has still yet to mention his name.  But we’re watching a play dealing with death and dying (W;t, for the thespians among you) and she excused herself from the last ten minutes or so.  So I thought I’d post my memorial to Brother Nibley.

On my mission I was known to say “Hugh Nibley is my prophet” from time to time.  Blasphemous yes, but amusing if you understand the Charleton Heston reference.  And especially amusing among Idahoans, who I’d venture have a higher NRA membership than the national average.  There is almost no truth behind this statement, since I have in fact never read a Hugh Nibley book.  They seem to cost about 10 times more than books of comparable size.  Perhaps Nibley was 10 times smarter than other authors, but this still put them out of my price range.  Since I’ve only read articles and research snippets, I’m obviously not much of a devotee.  The kernel of truth behind the sacrilegious comment was that I often prefer the academia and intellectual doctrine that Nibley was famous for over the more “sentimental” teaching style of many general authorities.  Of course I sustain them as being chosen by God to represent Him here on the earth, but that doesn’t mean I always favor their teaching style.  This is why I created my scholastic first presidency of Nibley, Talmage and Madsen.  Also to annoy my companions, who wouldn’t travel with me in lightening storms.

So today I bid you a fond farewell Brother Nibley.  You’re a far smarter man than I’ll ever be, despite choosing to live in Utah.  

Song of the day: “Elysium” by Hans Zimmer, from the Gladiator Soundtrack

Monday, February 20, 2006

Paradise (ie vacation) Lost

The last few days have been something of a blur, and I don’t even have any drugs to blame it on.  I think this is mostly because I’ve had relatively few important scheduled events and a great many minor spontaneous ones.  All in all this has kept me quite busy while still maintaining the illusion of having a lot of free time.

I had to stay late at work on Friday because I was the only one working.  Technically it’s against the rules for me to drive the truck around when I don’t have a co-driver, but my supervisors don’t seem to really care about these safety regulations.  Of course this is BYU, who had me drive the truck to my truck driving course on the first day.  This course involved a dozen other drivers, all with zero experience, driving around the same parking lot trying not to hit each other.  Oh the joys of owning your own insurance company.  So anyway, I had to do all the work myself so ended up working an hour or so later than usual.  More money for me and I didn’t have any plans until the late evening so it worked fine.  Becca and I had a Sealab and Family Guy marathon that evening which was pretty fun.  Now that she’s been initiated to Sealab she can join in the myriad of inside jokes that Chris, Joey and I share.  

Mallory and I initiated some collegiate Saturday Morning Cartoons the next morning.  We also watched a couple Family Guys eps, along with an episode of Cowboy Bebop.  The combination went perfectly with the Captain Crunch we shared (with Crunch Berries!)  I followed this with a trip to California Pizza Kitchen with the siblings Provo, which was better than I had expected.  They have always spoken highly of this restaurant, but I’d never actually been.  The Thai Chicken at least was quite tasty.  I intended on having the leftovers last a couple days, but I had devoured the whole thing by the end of the day.  Later that day Eric and I attended a cello recital of a mutual friend (it’s somehow odd to me that my brother and I have mutual friends considering the nearly 6 year difference between us) after which he promptly disappeared.  Instead of studying as I probably should I went bowling with a bunch of my ward mates.  I had considered doing a movie night, but decided that Homer’s advice that “Watching stuff is better than doing stuff” isn’t always correct.  Bowling was quite enjoyable, mostly because we changed each others’ names on the scoreboard attempting to distract the other bowlers every couple minutes.  We got into a snowball fight on the way home which ended up taking about an hour.  As with nearly every snowball fight in history, there was no clear winner.  

As a direct result of the snowball fight several girls piled snow in front of my door at 2:55 in the morning Sunday.  This was revenge for my act of putting a snowball in one of their purses.  I know the time because I happened to still be awake and watched them do it through the peephole in my door.  It really wasn’t an inconvenience at all for me, but I did get reprimanded by my landlord for being involved in a prank war (which isn’t the case seeing as previous pranks were directed at my roommate Robert and not myself.)  

Sunday was quite busy, but nothing terribly interesting occurred.  Hometeaching, fireside, choir practice, church and a movie with a friend filled the day pretty effectively.  Monday was likewise busy, and likewise of little interest to anyone else.  A ward breakfast, FHE and other general socializing filled my time.  And now the last real vacation of the semester is over.  Why don’t we have Spring Break!  Curse you BYU.  Tomorrow school begins anew and there is no end in sight until April.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

I'm a Pepper

Contrary to what others may tell you, Diet Dr. Pepper is the finest drink in existence.  There are certainly other fine beverages out there, carbonated and otherwise.  But DDP wins, hands down.  In my continual fascination with all things Pepperific, I’ve found a couple interesting things for you.

As you may well know, DDP isn’t the only option we have for Dr. Pepper consumption.  There is of course DP of the nondiet variety.  I enjoy this as well, but not as much.  There was also Red Fusion for a short time.  It was a bit lighter and had more of a cherry taste.  I wish it had stayed around, but sadly consumers are stupid beings.  There is currently Cherry Vanilla DP, which I also like, but again, not nearly as much as DDP.  But in addition to these brands there is Dublin Dr. Pepper.  Made only in the town of Dublin TX, this recipe uses cane sugar instead of whatever artificial junk we know and love in the traditional variety.  I’d be greatly interested to taste this variant, but am not quite interested enough to buy some from their site, which can be found at:


Another fascinating site I found compares every generic brand of Dr. Pepper in the country.  I certainly hope whoever put this together got some type of honorary degree for his thorough analysis of hundreds of sodas.  I’m sure his dentist has given him quite a few harsh words about this abusive behavior on his teeth.  Eckerds comes out with the number one imitation.  Sadly there are no Eckerds in Provo or I’d go check out his findings.  The site can be found at:


In conclusion, get out there and drink more DDP so it can beat out both Coke and Pepsi and become the official American soda.  This is the kind of grassroots campaign I can really get behind.

I was going to give my top ten favorite sodas, but to cut down on thinking I’m just going to make a list.  We’ll consider them all equal, except DDP, which reigns supreme.

Diet Dr. Pepper, Dr. Pepper, Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, Red Fusion, IBC Cream Soda, Barqs Red Cream Soda, Barqs Rootbeer, Diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale, Grape Schweppes, Fresca, Cherry Coke, Mountain Dew (preferably from Taco Bell,  other MDs aren’t as good), Mountain Dew: Code Red (and the occasional Livewire), Diet Coke, Crystal Pepsi, Vanilla Coke

Thursday, February 16, 2006

LS3: Don't get S.A.D. Get Even.

LS3 has come and gone. It was a fairly strenuous week since I had 3 exams to take on Monday and Tuesday, followed immediately by the party Tuesday night. Wednesday didn’t help any with an additional quiz and several homework assignments. But it’s finally blessed Thursday and I get to relax a bit.

Love Sucks 3 went well I think. Claudia came over a couple hours before the party and we got everything ready in time. In addition to our dead flowers and bitter candies from last year we added mean Valentines to the wall. I thought up most of them while at work during the week, but had a couple last minute strokes of genius. Neither of us had any experience with balloons and streamers, but we had the apartment suitably black and blue by the time people started coming at 8.

Using my amazing statistical skills I’d say that we had 60-80 people come over the course of the evening. Last year we had everyone show up at once and consequently overfilled my apartment, decreasing the efficacy of the event. But the timing was nearly perfect as we had the guests stream in and out over the two hours. The vast majority were members of my ward since that’s mostly who I catered to this year. I had couple friends from previous years and 2 siblings attend, but it has pretty much become a 176 ward tradition. In fact one of the new girls said she was excited to come after seeing the event advertised while visiting our ward last year.

The icecream bar wasn’t used too heavily, but this provides me with a steady icecream supply for the next few months. We had a number of people making their own bitter Valentines, and ended up watching the movie I made a couple years back about blind dating, as well as a Powerpoint I made (for Technical Writing no less) titled How To Stay Single at BYU. Otherwise the evening was listening to music, hanging out and mingling with other single individuals. The big question: will there be an LS4?

Current song “Dirty Glass” Dropkick Murphys

Monday, February 13, 2006

Like the News, but better.

So, I’m pretty out of it when it comes to politics.  Sure, I’m part of the BYU Republicans, but so is 98% of the school so it doesn’t really mean much.  But I came across this article and thought it was worth publicizing for the rest of you:


The link may have changed by the time you read it but it currently is an article entitled Calvin and Hobbes and Muhammad.  I found the article highly entertaining, and I agree with much of what she says.  Not everything, but most of it.

I love these pundits.  The only news show I watch (excepting the Daily Show, which is fantastic but I don’t really qualify it as news) is the occasional few minutes of Bill O’Reilly.  I think it’s hilarious.  But whereas I don’t think he’s trying to be funny, at least Ann is.  Bill is just so extreme that I can’t take him seriously.  I can’t rally imagine quoting anything he says, other than to point out how extreme he is.  This may be maddening to some liberals, but I think I would be equally entertained by watching their extremists.  I’ve seen a couple of Michael Moore’s films and was pretty amused by his slanted view.  The fact that I usually disagree with him doesn’t matter in its entertainment value.

So Ann Coulter is now on my watch list.  She’s not PC and not as right as she thinks she is, but she’ll keep my attention better than the Associated Press.  

Sequels: half as good with a tenth the thought

Jabberwocky 2: The Bandersnatch Strikes Back

Twas usken in the tulgey wood,
All slithy toves had mit away.
Outgrabery ceased, as it should
When muskly blanes to grey.

The Bandersnatch, that fruminous treep,
Apripped his way from tree to stalk
And came upon the vorpalled heap:
The now-slain Jabberwock.

His ruptous roar did rip the air,
And with his maw turned widdershins
He sniffed the brush and he did rush
Through Vars and Cindergrins.

His tangral eyes did mence and glame,
Distling rain sluck his mizzly skin.
Mome raths tremed and fled as he came,
To rectivenge his kin.

He found the lad, that vicious gad
So lately a capitious thief,
His claw raised high, he krayed a cry
And trunched the boy beneath.

And with the Jabberwock avenged,
He turned without a eul or word.
The fiend he slew, and back into
The bambish night he slurred.

Twas usken in the tulgey wood,
All slithy toves had mit away.
Outgrabery ceased, as it should
When muskly blanes to grey.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

My Little Buttercup . . . The 3 Amigos

I must speak in defense of The 3 Amigos.  I realize this rebuttal is a bit belated, but hey, I’ve been busy.  Furthermore I’m arguing against some vague internet personality, which isn’t terribly high on my priority list.

The 3 Amigos is a stupid movie.  Few would argue against that point.  It is about stupid people, doing stupid things, with stupid results.  Slapstick abounds, plot holes gape and invisible swordsmen are shot.  However, it is meant as entertainment, and for me at least, it fulfills the measure of its existence.  I was entertained.  

Stupid movies can’t really be compared to any movie that is meant to be taken seriously.  The writers knew they were writing something completely silly.  The actors signed up knowing their roles would be goofy and inconsequential.  This is everyone’s intent.  However, neither the actors or writers (in this case both include Steve Martin) are dummies.  It takes a certain degree of intelligence to craft such a comical tale.  Stupidity doesn’t equate with humor, and I could cite many examples of stupid movies that completely fail to amuse the audience.  But when genuinely intelligent people craft something silly, the results can be fantastic.  You can just turn off your brain and enjoy the film, but you’ll miss additional layers of humor.  A good stupid movie will actually make you use your brain a bit (not A LOT, but a bit) in a new and different way.  

The 3 Amigos isn’t my favorite stupid movie, but I feel it’s a valid contribution to the cannon.  Monty Python definitely holds that place on my list.  I can think of no better example of a group of very intelligent people (some would go as far as saying geniuses) making an incredibly silly film that has delighted millions.  It’s true that many will simply rejoice in the killer rabbits and bloody dismemberments, but the PHDs get their fill of clever worldplay and satire.  

Plus, stupid movies have the best quotes.

He’s not just famous.  He’s INfamous!

I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.

Later you can kiss me on the Veranda – The lips will be fine.

Can I have your watch when you are dead?

Good news for people that like bad news

Oh my poor blog.

Leaving a blog alone for a week is hardly a crime, but after giving it unhealthy mountains of attention in its first week, this second week of silence must have been pretty devastating.  But it hasn’t been the best week for me either so I guess it’s representative for me.  There were of course many good things about this week, but listing the bad events will better serve the theme of this post.

I wasn’t accepted to Ohio State.  This wouldn’t be a big deal, but they were annoying about it.  They sent me an email on Tuesday telling me my application status had changed.  I immediately went to their site to see the response, and it said I’d have to wait 24 hours to see the change.  Curse them!  So I wait 24 hours and then check the site again.  They changed my status from Under Evaluation to Pending Decision.  Why inform me of this change?  It’s the same thing!  So I’ll just have to keep waiting.

My iPod died.  It became permanently locked in the hold position on Wednesday.  So I was without music until today, when I was able to have it repaired.  Thankfully fixing it only cost 15 bucks.  It also only took 3 minutes, which made me think I need to get into the iPod repair business.  Unfortunate consequences of not having an iPod for a week included having to listen to country music at work and not being able to play music for my Lit presentation.

The girl I was most avidly pursuing isn’t interested in me.  2 Weeks of anticipation down the drain.  Certainly not a crushing blow, but a setback nonetheless.  

I had my first confrontation with my ex.  This wasn’t horrible either, but wasn’t the most pleasant thing I can think of doing.  After a couple hours of talking (our modus operandi) we determined that we are definitely not getting back together (another norm) and will probably not communicate in any major way (which has been the case since our last split.)  Of course the real tragedy of the evening was that I missed Lost because of this conversation.

I took my first test in almost a year.  The last exam I took was the MCAT last April until my Advanced Neurobio midterm on Thursday.  I suppose the vacation could only last so long.

My hair is turning grey.

So altogether, not the best few days of my life.  On the plus side:

I did well on my test, I had a great date on Friday, I’ve got a score of 7.6 out of 10 on Hot or Not, I’m now an official employee of Schooled magazine, I think my upcoming Love Sucks party will be a big hit and my writing class loved my latest short story.  Plus I didn’t die.

Current song: “Why Don’t you Get a Job” by the Offspring

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Satan's Literature

I found this article while searching for a different one. I can't really remember why I wrote it, but you now get to benefit from it.

I have little use for the classics. I realize they’re well written, timeless stories that truly exemplify the human condition, but I don’t really have any desire to read them. Anything that has been raised the title “literature” is likely too full of itself to realize that it is no more than words on paper. I realize literature is not self aware, but it’s difficult to mock something that has no self concept. You just don’t get the satisfaction of fine ridicule.

Being inanimate, literature has never done anything to harm me personally. But others have used it against me on many occasions. The main people to blame for me being functionally alliterate are my English teachers. I don’t know if alliterate is actually a word, but my beloved Spell-check isn’t rejecting it, so I guess it’s kosher. I take alliterate to mean I can read, I just usually choose not to. I can read Macbeth. I can tell you what it means. I can tell you what the trees symbolize and how they indicate Shakespeare was gay. I just choose not to. Those English teachers have ruined it for me. Let me give you an example.

In seventh grade we read The Golden Goblet. I wouldn’t equate this book with Anna Karenina, but it must have won a Caldecott or Newberry or Golden Globe, or whatever they’re giving books these days. Its protagonist was a plucky young Egyptian lad named Raq. Raq bothered me right off. According to what these same English teachers had been teaching me for years his name should have been Raqu. There’s always supposed to be a U after Q, even I can remember that spelling rule. And I learned how to spell in England. I still spell color as colour sometimes, and have never figured out grey versus gray. Yet this rule doesn’t seem to apply to Raq. I’m pretty sure this is the exact same reason we attacked Iraq back with Read-My-Lips Bush. They didn’t respect the U then, and they don’t respect George Double-U now. Raq wanted to be a goldsmith, which I didn’t care about at all. I’d already learned all I needed to know about metal working from Johnny Tremain and his silver and the Alma and his dross. Raq should pick a career they haven’t written a book about yet, like professional recumbent bicycle salesman. I never got to hear about that in grade school. But Raq wanted to be a goldsmith, and soon got involved with secret societies, ancient treasure and that sort of thing. In reality it should have been the type of thing I’d like. It almost certainly had more plot, better dialogue and more scarab beetles than The Mummy. But no one forced me to watch The Mummy, so I enjoyed it. They forced The Golden Goblet on me.

A greater sin than forcing me to read the Golden Goblet was forcing me to respond to it. For most of the books I read through school there was some type of an activity to go along with it; a diorama, or a book report, or training monkeys to reenact a chapter. For this book we had a response journal. We needed to respond to each chapter with an entry in our journal describing our personal reaction and feelings on what occurred. My teacher wanted us to write a page about the page and a half we just read. It seemed to me that seventh graders had become the new Gutenberg printing press, producing twenty-something handwritten copies of the Golden Goblet, only slightly abridged and extremely misspelled. This is a cruel waste of time to inflict upon any child. This is especially cruel to inflict upon me. I had no emotional response. If you’ve ever met me you’ll soon become aware that I am a strange hybrid of a human and a rock; bipedal and warm-blooded yet stoic as a stone and completely without sentiment. Only after 8 years of constant thought on this book have I been able to come up with this one page response. And had I turned in a response of this nature I would have received a poor grade and a trip to the school guidance counselor. The school shrink would only be a temporary setback, but the poor grade in a seventh grade English class would almost certainly be a smudge on my transcript keeping me from all higher education. I’d be flipping burgers instead of enjoying the benefits (girls) of a college education.

That which I am forced to do I do not enjoy. It’s Satan’s plan: to force us all to read fine literature and refine ourselves, whether we like it or not. And since I’m not a devil worshipper, I won’t stand for it. I’m taking a stand against the classics. Perhaps it’s just my general young-person rebellious streak, but the world should be so lucky if all the teenage punks out there rebelled by refusing to read The Great Gatsby. From this point forward I will read nothing published before 1994. I will read nothing that has won any awards, or received praise from anyone with an English degree. I’d prefer it if the book contains typos, missing pages and switches between the present and pluperfect tense without any grammatical reason. Anything that indicates that neither love nor care was put into its production. Any book I read should have at least 4 sequels, and I should be able to figure out how the book will end by page 10. The book should be short enough and have flexible binding so it can fit in my back pocket. And lastly, the book should be based on a movie, so I can see the movie and pretend I read the book. But I don’t want to read any book that is later made into a movie, because this would indicate it’s of literature-quality.

So it looks like I’m down to cheap sci-fi, romance novels and Dean Koontz. But I still have standards. The romance novels must at least have Fabio on the cover; I don’t want any of the dirty stuff. Or better yet, I’m just going to go watch Fear Factor reruns.


Who is this Saint Valentine who we so annually celebrate?

Saint Valentine:
  • Invented midterms, dentistry and mosquitoes.

  • Graduated from the U.

  • Was a horse thief.

  • Founded the nation of France.

  • Had severe halitosis.

  • Said your mom is ugly.

  • Was the great-grandfather of Hanson.

  • Coined the phrase “all that and a bag of chips.”

  • Still holds the world record for most puppies drowned.*

Do you really want to celebrate his holiday? If not, come to the

3nd Annual Love Sucks Party.

All the cool (i.e. single) people will be there.

Feb 14th. 8 pm. Washington 2. USA. 2006. Earth. The Universe. Mountain Standard Time.

*The world record is 42,367

Sunday, February 05, 2006

CJ Cafe

CJ Café


Stale Donuts     We have a delightful selection of stale donuts.  Made fresh at Glazies 24 hours ago and aged to perfection.  Bet you can’t eat just one!  Actually we retract that bet.

Twix Bars     The only candy bar with a cookie crunch.  It’s never too early for Twix.

Ramen     No college meal is complete without ramen.  Ask about our daily flavor.

French Crepes     A platter of paper-thin crepes, cooked to perfection.  Comes with your choice of strawberry, chocolate, boysenberry, snozzberry or pickle relish spreads and heavy whipped cream.


German Pancakes     All other nations envy Germany’s famed pancakes.  These Teutonic treats are light, fluffy and guaranteed to be alcohol free.  We import the accompanying lemon sauce from Munich each week to maximize your pleasure.  

Oven Pancakes     Frying pans are so last year and griddles are too plebian.  The oven is the wave of the future, and these pancakes prove how versatile this manner of cooking can be.  The combination of soft and crispy textures may very well blow your mind.  Not guarantees though.  

Giant Pancake     When it comes to breakfast, bigger is better.  After all, 2 out of 5 nutritionists agree that it’s the most important meal of the day.  They probably won’t agree with you covering them with powdered sugar, but we recommend it anyway.         


Water     Straight from the tap.  Unlike other restaurants we won’t mess with your water by filtering it or spitting in it.  You get it just like nature and Provo Municipal Water intended.  

Orange Juice     Orange Juice comes from can, it was put there by a man, in a factory downtown.  If I had my little way I’d drink OJ every day.  

Milk     Both skim and nonfat available.  If you’d like it fattier just request that we add some bacon grease.  

Diet Dr. Pepper     Nectar of the gods.  If you speak out against this drink you will be asked to leave the restaurant.  

Weekend warrior

I suppose I should some type of an update about my actual life, as opposed to odd musings and recommendations.

On Groundhog’s day I planned to have a movie night.  Unfortunately I neglected to advertise the said advent until late the evening before.  The combination of poor communication and poor timing (it fell on Thursday, which tends to be a heavier homework night) led to extremely poor turnout.  But this meant I had a steady supply of donuts (the only food I purchased for the event) for the next few days.

Friday my date and I went to L&L, which I always enjoy.  I realize that it’s just Hawaiian fastfood as opposed to my normal American, but it still seems exotic to me.  Afterwards we went to see Howl’s Moving Castle at the International Cinema.  It’s not my favorite Miyazaki, but I think it’s probably his funniest.  We had expected to see it in Japanese (my date was Japanese) but they only had the English version available.  But Billy Crystal makes an amusing Calcifer so I didn’t mind too much.

Saturday morning Joey and I made breakfast for an apartment of girls in our ward.  As always we didn’t plan the timing correctly and consequently were in the kitchen half the time.  But it was pretty fun.  I made up a special menu for the occasion which I’ll post since it amuses me.  

Saturday night was our attempted bon-fire.  Unfortunately the weather decided not to cooperate and we ended up staying inside the whole time.  But we watched The 3 Amigos, which I hadn’t seen in many years and still greatly enjoy.

Next week begins midterms, though I’m firmly in denial as to their existence.  Luckily my English-heavy schedule means several classes won’t have them or will have especially easy ones.  

Current song: “Hide and Seek” Imogen Heap    

Hale the great Gaffigan

I got home from an attempted-bonfire/movie night late last night and was forced to stay up watching Jim Gaffigan’s standup special. He was hilarious. His act was exceedingly random, which I always find to be a plus. He went off about Hot Pockets aka “poptarts full of gross meat” for about 10 minutes. It was great. The funniest thing he’d do was imitate a hypothetical audience member that disliked his material after giving each joke. This is difficult to explain, so I’ll try to give an example:

Jim says: I’ve only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
Jim as audience member: I didn’t realize he was going to do so many bear jokes. They’re really getting old aren’t they?

Jim says: I’m a vegetarian, but not a strict one. I do eat pork and beef. I also eat chicken. But not fish, that’s gross.
Jim as audience: Is he wearing a blouse? I think he’s wearing a blouse.

I realize as I type this that it probably doesn’t appear at all funny. But take my word for it, he’s hilarious.

Suggested comics that you’ve probably never heard of:

Demetri Martin
Lewis Black
Brian Regan
Jim Gaffigan
Michael Ian Black

Current song: “Tourniquet” by Evanescence

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Master of Disguise

Any old program can compare your face to those of celebrities. Let's see how well www.myheritage.com handles me when I'm in one of my genius disguises.

Crazy Ninja (don't ask) matches 70 % with Vampire Slayer

Cowboy Chris matches 69% with Ringo Star and 60 % with Belushi

Hippy/Pothead/Long-Weekend Chris matches up with . . . Thomas Edison? (55%)

Now for everyone's favorite: Rent-A-Cop Chris. Evidently I'm pretty much the child of Johnny Depp (65%) and Benicio Del Toro (64%)

Friday, February 03, 2006

Oldies Analysis

Have you ever listened to a song and realized how odd the lyrics really are? This is especially true of songs that you’ve heard a million times and suddenly the actual lines stand out. For example, I was listening to Me First and the Gimme Gimmes today (if you’re not familiar they’re a punk band that as far as I can tell exclusively does covers. Many of their songs seem to be chosen only because it’s a song you wouldn’t expect a punk band to cover eg. Uptown Girl, Leaving on a Jetplane etc) and their rendition of My Boyfriend’s Back. Now realize that having a mindless job allows you to dwell for a long time on extremely trivial things. But here are some questions I came up with:

Where the freak did the boyfriend go? ‘Nam? On a mission? Is this one of those questionable college guy with high school girl relationships? Where does a boyfriend go for “such a long time?”

Why in the world would she describe him as “kind of big and awful strong?” If you’re threatening someone with a second-hand beating, why not say he’s big, or even REALLY big. But no, he’s kinda big.

I think she had been messing around with this other guy. What motivation would he have to spread rumors about her? Yes, it might seem like a safe brag to make, but I think she got tired of her kind of big boyfriend being gone for such a long time. What better formula for trouble than a mediocre boyfriend who’s absent for extended periods? She’s just going to get this other guy beat up because she’s an evil girl. She’s happily singing about another person getting a beating, so why not get some action and then watch the ensuing brawl. Pure evil.

Current song: "Simply Being Loved" BT

Ha, you thought it's be "My Boyfriend's Back." Sucker.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Poetry Slam

A couple years ago we had a ward talent show and I was volunteered to do a poetry reading. This is the poem I wrote. My roommate Danny read the odd passages and I read the even ones. A friend of mine had me email him a copy today for his upcoming talent show (he'll be doing it with his wife so it will be a bit more normal) so I'm also posting it for you to enjoy.

Pop Romance

May I have your attention please?Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)My name is.. [scratches] Slim Shady

I am a Barbie girl, in a Barbie worldI’m made of plastic. It’s fantastic

I like big butts, and I cannot lieYou other brothers can’t denyWhen a girl walks in with a little bitty waist And a round thing in your face . . .

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,and they're like,its better than yours,darn right its better than yours, i can teach you, but i have to charge

If you want my body and you think I'm sexycome on sugar let me know.If you really need me just reach out and touch mecome on honey tell me so

That don't impress me muchSo you got the looks but have you got the touchDon't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alrightBut . . .

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirtSo sexy it hurtsAnd I'm too sexy for my hatToo sexy for my hat what do you think about that

All I wanna do is have some funUntil the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

Girls, all I really want is girls
In the morning it’s girls
Cause in the evening it’s girls.

Girls don’t like boys
Girls like cars and money.

You stupid girlYou stupid girlCan’t believe you fake itCan’t believe you fake it

I'm just a girl in the world...That's all that you'll let me be!I'm just a girl, living in captivity

Everything you say to meTakes me one step closer to the edgeAnd I'm about to break

My loneliness is killing meI must confess I still believeWhen I'm not with you I lose my mindGive me a signHit me baby one more time

I wanna push you around, I will, I will I wanna push you down, I will, I will

I get knocked down, but I get up againYa ain’t never gonna keep me down

Quit playin' games with my heart Before you tear us apart I should've known from the start Before you got into my heart

Oops!...I did it againI played with your heart, got lost in the gameOh baby, babyOops!...You think I'm in loveThat I'm sent from aboveI'm not that innocent

Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angelCloser than my peeps you are to me, baby

Don't speak I know just what you're sayingSo please stop explaining Don't tell me cause it hurts

Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cry?

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,Make it last forever friendship never ends,If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

Lovin is what I got
I said remember that
Lovin is what I got
I said remember that

I've been a bad bad girl I've been careless with a delicate man And its a sad sad world When a girl will break a boy Just because she can

Dreams last so long, even after you’re goneI know, that you love me and soon you will seeYou were meant for me and I was meant for you

Kiss me out of the bearded barleyNightly, beside the green, green grassSwing, swing, swing the spinning stepYou wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

It's the way you love meIt's a feeling like thisIt's centrifugal motionIt's perpetual blissIt'a that pivotal moment , It’s (ah) impossible This kiss, this kiss

And I-E-I Will Always Love You oo oo ooo.

One small step for Chris . . .

I think I’d be accused of secrecy and hermicy (Chris-word alert: acting like a hermit, in either a literal manner or just exhibiting antisocial tendencies) were I not to announce that I received my first acceptance to medical school yesterday.  I was leaving work when I received a call from SUNY Upstate informing me that I had just been accepted.  This was a bit odd considering it was 7:30 NY time, but evidently they call as soon as the admissions committee meeting finishes.  So I am now officially headed to Med school.  Upstate is one of my safety schools, but the acceptance fulfilled the task of a safety school.  I now have a backup plan in place.  I’ve listed my med school choices below, ranked in order of my current (but ever-changing) preference.  

Columbia     Honestly the facilities at my top 4 schools are nearly identical.  The curriculum is very similar and the tuition is about the same.  Columbia comes out on top because it has the best reputation.  Plus they have a Med School rugby team, and list Buckaroo Banzai amongst their alumni.

Mt. Sinai     Mt. Sinai: the alternative med school.  It’s not really associated with an undergraduate university, so is pretty much the rebel of all schools biomedical.  I’ve always wanted to go to school with the cool med students.  It had some of my favorite housing and is about 3 feet from Central Park.

Ohio     The underdog school.  This was the last school I put on my list, but turned out to be one of my favorites.  The campus is great and Columbus seems like a good place to live.  This is my school with the highest percentage of Mormons, though I’d have access to a greater actual number at one of the NYC schools.  The hospital serves only Wendy’s food.  

Rochester     Great school with all the benefits of living in my hometown.  Free food and laundry are great benefits, but weren’t quite enough to put this school at the top of the list.

Upstate     Not exactly world-renowned, but a good school.  Although it’s not really associated with Syracuse University, it’s pretty much the same campus.  I liked the faculty and the programs, and am sure I’d like studying here.  They’re obviously the most intelligent university since they’re the first to accept me.

Albert Einstein     Einstein was a fine school, but not what I was expecting.  It has a great reputation, but seems a bit rundown.  I think it would set me up to be a great doctor, but don’t think I’d enjoy studying there as much as the schools that beat it out on the list.  I’m on their waiting list, which means they haven’t really decided anything yet.

Stony Brook     This is my last choice.  But obviously I wouldn’t have spent the 100 dollars to apply if I didn’t think it was a worthwhile school.  It’s the best state school in NY, which has a number of good ones (such as Upstate.)  So the tuition would be much less than my top 4 picks and I’d have a good chance of being retained for residency.  It’s located pretty far out on Long Island though, so I’d be a bit limited socially.  I describe it as being my only suburban med school.  

Current Song: “Good Luck” by Basement Jaxx

B I Ellie O and BILEO was his name-o.

Do I know you Ellie O?  I don’t believe I do.  I’ve wracked my brains for anyone by that name and haven’t come up with a single connection.  So I assume you’ve somehow come across this blog and found it interesting enough to keep up on.  Congratulations on having good taste.  And quite an impressive vocabulary.  But I believe a minor disclaimer is in order.  I am not a typical Mormon.  Nor do I feel I am a typical anything.  I can’t think of any label that perfectly fits me.  I’m not completely any one way and am a great many things incompletely.  So feel free to catch a glimpse of an LDS individual through this page, but certainly don’t deem it representative.

In defense of my view on unikers (the term moniker is already taken, so unicyclists are unikers) is very specific to BYU unikers.  I have few qualms with the actual vehicle, just those individuals on my campus who feel that their unicycles makes them special.  I have no doubt that they are both talented and well-practiced.  I doubt their capacity for individual thought.  My brother has a cane he occasionally sports about campus.  This is relatively novel (although I would point out that my sophomore year Pat and I brought canes to church on several occasions.)  I’m not saying novel equates with cool, but it’s a start.  Being the thirtieth BYU student in 5 years to ride a unicycle is neither novel nor cool, whereas I feel they believe it to be both.

On a related note (to the first point, not the second,) I do appreciate comments.  However, if I don’t know you, or even if I do, I think a brief autobiographical statement on your first comment would be interesting and helpful.    

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

1/2 Bicycle = irritating

Ranteumptom is not a misspelling. Whereas the Rampeumptom was the tower in the Book of Mormon where you could supposedly go and have your vain prayers heard, the Ranteumptom is my personal soapbox where I can make my vain rants heard. I am considerably better at ridiculing and belittling any particular subject than I am on praising it, regardless of my personal feelings on the matter. My first article to Schooled was about how I hate baseball. In reality I bear no ill will to the sport. I don’t feel compelled to watch or play it, but have no strong feelings toward it in any way. It was simply easier and funnier to write a rant against it.

For the most part I’ve focused more on commentary and storytelling in my writing of recent years, rather than strictly doing rants. However, today I have a grievance to air.


I HATE unicyclists. I should clarify that I don’t hate all unicyclists. If you’re unicycling in Detroit, you have my full support. I suspect you may become the victim of gang violence, but I have no hard feelings toward you. I have no fear or loathing of clowns or acrobats. I hate unicyclists in Provo.

I first encountered them my freshmen year. Walking across campus you’d occasionally see someone heading across campus on their one-wheeled-wonder. How novel! A unicycle. Who’d have thought to use such a contraption as your usual form of transportation? Then you see that there’s another person that rides one. And wait, another. BYU always has a couple students who feel the need to fill the unicyclist niche.

Guess what unis? That niche doesn’t need to be filled. You’re not being unique anymore! The first guy that did it was a genuine individual. He did something new and original and I can support him in that. I’m assuming it’s a guy because I don’t believe I’ve seen any women engaging in this showboating. But every person since has been a follower of the worst variety. They’re trying to be unique by imitating another person’s unique behavior. Copycatting is not cool.

How do I know they’re copycatting? Why else ride a unicycle? They really aren’t much faster than walking. They certainly don’t facilitate carrying large or heavy objects. I’ve never ridden one, but I can only assume the braking leaves something to be desired. They don’t look good and don’t make the rider look any better. Maybe girls swoon for the guys with excellent proprioception, but I’ve never heard it mentioned in a girls list of qualities she’s looking for in a husband. The only benefit I can think of is that they’d be less likely to be stolen than a bicycle. The fact that others have no desire to steal an object doesn’t actually give it any value. It means it’s junk.

I don’t care if you’re been riding a unicycle since you were 2. Don’t bring another to BYU. I don’t care if you have a family tradition tracing back to Romanian gypsies in the 1700s (incidentally, this would be a highly dubious claim) of riding unicycles to entertain the masses. Leave it at home. It’s not cool here. Wait until you graduate to pull it out of storage. I’m sure it will impress all of your accountant friends.

Current Song: “High and Dry” Radiohead