Thursday, September 24, 2009


I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked what I’m up to these days.

Growing a beard.

That’s about it. While I’ve been growing my beard, as a hobby, I’ve been studying for Step 2. Which I’ll be taking exactly a week from now. Accordingly, I’ll be on blog hiatus until then.

For those of you in suspense: my beard failed. I gave it my best shot, but I couldn’t will the moustache to meet the beard. That single centimeter, between me and success. Here’s hoping Step 2 goes better.

See you on the other side.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Quick Emmy Follow-up

Some years I’ve done an in depth “Who Should Have Won the Emmy” but not this year.

I’m happy for:
Mad Men, I should probably put it higher on my to-watch list.
30 Rock. They deserve their props.
Bryan Cranston is terrific in Breaking Bad.
Michael Emerson kicked the tar out of his category.
Alec Baldwin has problems, but dang is he funny. Sorry for losing Jemaine.
Good going Kristin Chenoweth. Daisies was great, but you were the best part.
John Hodgeman, for getting some national spotlight.
Sarah Silverman's mustache.
NPH for getting the popular vote.

I’m sad for:

I didn’t think Family Guy was the best comedy, but I like to cheer for the animated shows.
Conchords, I’d be more sad if your second season were as good as the first.
Michael C. Hall and Gabriel Byrne deserve awards.
House. But really, would House want to win any awards?
NPH for not winning his category officially. Long live Barney Stinson.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

(Flaming Lips) Fan

I don't know what you were doing last night, but if you don't have a girlfriend, I was probably having a better time than you. The Flaming Lips were in town, and I got to cross another must-see band off my list. It was a glorious show to behold.

I've posted a bunch of pictures on facebook, so you blog people can go there to see them: Facebook photos

I've also posted a video on facebook, but you should be able to see it below as well:

It was a crazy night. The Lips involve the audience in the show more than any other band I've seen. People are dancing on stage, we each had laser pointers to shine on the stage, we had a 2,000 person sing-along to Yoshimi. It was good times.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Island Auditions

I never filled the 10th spot on My Island. It's kind of like leaving a chair at the table for Elijah. Or maybe it represents the spot for my wife. I'm sure she'd love to live on an island with myself, Kristen Bell, Evangeline Lily, Tricia Helfer, Jenna Fischer, Olivia Wilde, Kristin Chenoweth, Gillian Anderson, Jennifer Garner and Tina Fey. Initially I said that sarcastically, but really, who wouldn't want to live with that group? We'd have music, comedy, survival skills, me. Anyway.

It's all good and well to have famous celebrity crushes, after all, if they weren't famous they wouldn't really be celebrity crushes would they? But being as elitist as I am, there is a slight taint to heavyhitters like Tina and Olivia and Evangeline. So it's nice when I come across a minor celebrity just as likable and beautiful as these other actresses. Today's shoutout comes from Doctor Who, since that's my show of the moment.

She stars in the episode Blink, which was one of my favorites so far. For one, she's in it. For two, it was more X-Filesy than the typical episode, which was a nice change. (I'm liking the show quite a bit by the way.)

Anyway: Carey Mulligan

You can see her here. Skip to 1:40, that’s when she becomes most charming.

Sometimes her hair is wet.

Sometimes she lays on the grass, with practically no hair.

Sometimes she lays on other people.

It seems that she's always cute.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Glad you read my blog, not Kanye's

I don’t watch the MTV VMAs. Apart from the Breakthrough Video category, I don’t care about anyone that was nominated in any category. Well, apart from Lady Gaga, who did well. And the Beastie Boys, who won an award for Sabotage, and I’m not sure why. But they’re the Beastie Boys, and it’s Sabotage, so they deserve it.

The thing you’ll read about, if you read about anything in the VMAs, which you probably shouldn't, is Kanye West acting like a stunted manchild. I’m not going to bother recapping it, Google it if you hadn’t heard.

I think his “apology” that he posted on his blog is amusing. I bolded the nonapologetic portions for emphasis.

““I’m sooooo sorry to taylor swift and her fans and her mom. I spoke to her mother right after and she said the same thing my mother would’ve said. She is very talented! I like the lyrics about being a cheerleader and she’s in the bleachers! …………………… i’m in the wrong for going on stage and taking away from her moment!……………. beyonce’s video was the best of this decade! I’m sorry to my fans if I let you guys down! I’m sorry to my friends at mtv. I will apologize to taylor 2mrw. welcome to the real world! everybody wanna booooo me but i’m a fan of real pop culture! No disrespect but we watchin’ the show at the crib right now cause … well you know! i’m still happy for taylor! Boooyaaawwww! you are very very talented! I gave my awards to outkast when they deserved it over me… that’s what it is!! i’m not crazy yall, i’m just real. Sorry for that! I really feel bad for taylor and i’m sincerely sorry! Much respect!!”

This is an apology Kanye? Go back to school my friend. You can’t apologize, immediately followed by, BUT I WAS RIGHT. You can’t take it upon yourself to introduce “the real world” of you being a lowlife to teenage girls. You can’t “subtly” suggest that she should give Beyonce the award.

I considered going through and highlighting the things that make Kanye sound brain dead, but really, it’s most everything. In his defense, he was incredibly drunk when he wrote it. Don’t blog drunk.

Lest you be confused, I don’t care about Taylor Swift. In the slightest. There are 100 bands or so I’d give a VMA before her. 1000s of bands if we’re giving out awards for videos as old as Sabotage. I just have a zero tolerance policy for celebrities acting like morons.

Look, we shower you with money and attention because you can do something moderately well. Your job? Don’t be an A hole. That’s it. Steal a microphone from a 19 year old on stage to promote a video you like better? You don’t get to be famous anymore. Suckerpunch a guy because he beat you at football? You shouldn’t get paid to play football anymore. Scream at a line judge because you're not as perfect as you thought? Sit in the corner for a while.

Were I King of the World, Kanye would never get paid to rap again. He can do whatever else he wanted, but I’d revoke his celebrity card. Easy come, easy go Kanye. Now be gone.


It's Blind Date Weekend!

No, I didn't have any blind dates. Though this one girl wore glasses.

Just posting my first movie, Love is Blind . . . And Dumb.

You can also find it on Youtube:
Part 1
Part 2

Love is Blind Bloopers

Triple Post Sunday!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Pluck out my eyes

I returned from China, a lone man in the world. This, I decided, needed to change. But having lived in the remotest of locations for the last semester, I knew not where to start.

The answer was the first blind date of my life. Sister Missionary was, appropriately enough, a sister missionary. She had recently served as a missionary in my ward in NY, and my parents were smitten with her. They had met her just before she was to finish her mission, return home, then return to BYU. They figured, she’s single, I was single, and we would be in the same geographic location. A match made in heaven. I was dubious. Little did I know that 3 years later this would pretty much become the extent of my dating requirements.

So I returned from China, she returned from Japan (her home) and we met at BYU. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to date someone right off their mission, but it’s hard. She thought I was evil, which is more or less true. My charming wordplay didn’t translate across the language barrier, so no help there. So after a couple dates of discussing our mutual love of Japanese things, and our lack of love for each other, that died.

Back to square one. Since Sister Missionary hadn’t panned out, I decided to try Sister Missionary #2. SM#2 was a sister missionary from my mission. Yes, dating a girl from my mission, kind of skeazy. Dating a girl when I was her District Leader, skeazier. Oh well. I call her up. We chit-chat for ten minutes or so. How’s so-and-so? How’s the major going?

Me: Remember that time at Llamafest . . .
SM#2: I’m married.

Oh, SM#2, I knew there was a reason I liked you. Not because she’s married. Because she cut to the chase. Not in the best way imaginable, but she read between the lines and did what needed to be done.

SM#2: . . . but I’ve got a girl I want you to date.

The date went horribly. SM#2 and I had known each other for 4 years. She’d known her husband for 4 months. Well, a bit longer than that, but significantly less than 4 years. She and I could talk for hours. My date and I could talk for minutes. Well, a minute. I’m sure she’s married with 8 kids by now, but it was pretty clear within that first stunted minute of conversation that I wasn’t going to be the father. We went to the Work and the Glory movie because my date wanted to see it. It was more interesting than she was. Yep, that’s how bad the evening was.

Two blind dates in two weeks. Never one before, never one again. I haven’t sworn off them, I’ve just never been offered another. It could be because I appear ungrateful for the two I’ve gone on. Not true. I’m glad the matchmakers made the effort, and the girls gave them a try. They just didn’t work. My blind date success rate is only slightly lower than my normal date success rate. A more likely cause of my lack of blind dates is that I tend not to talk to my married friends. I usually talk to singles, and single folk are much less prone to set up blind dates than married folk. Single folk realize that being with another warm body isn’t inherently better than being alone. And I’m not knocking you married folks’ matchmaking efforts per se. Yes, I think your married rapture tends to cause you to oversimplify relationship requirements (a newly engaged acquaintance suggests I date every girl he meets. Literally. Every XX we come across.) but I still appreciate the effort.

My other single friends get set up on blind dates fairly regularly. Why don’t I? Well, probably for the reasons mentioned above. Also because I’m a tough match. Quite a few people have told me I’m the weirdest person they’ve ever met. How do you match that? Probably with the second weirdest person they’ve ever met. And I already know those people, because I go to the Singles Ward too. When I’ve discussed matchmaking, people always seem to tell me that “Oh, you don’t need help Chris.” I’m glad that my charming wordplay and superb confidence have succeeded in fooling the world.

No, I haven’t sworn off blind dates. I like my dates like I like my movies: really bad or really good. Anywhere in the middle is pretty boring. But you can’t intentionally set yourself up on bad dates, because that’s just mean to the girl. So blind dates are great; although there’s a lower chance of them turning out great, there’s a greater chance of them turning out horribly. And then you have things to write about on your blog.

Art says I

The Cat Piano from PRA on Vimeo.

A bit overwrought, but I like it that way.

Yes, you caught me not studying.

Dream a little dream

I have a notoriously bad sense of chronology. People are always saying “That Chris is a great guy, but man, does he have a poor sense of chronology.”

But I know what I was doing 10 years ago today. I was buying my Sega Dreamcast.

The Dreamcast is the only video game system I’ve ever purchased.

It’s the largest non-essential purchase I’ve ever made ($300) and worth every penny.

It had my favorite game of all time, SoulCalibur.

9/9/99. Sega Dreamcast. Cherish the memories.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Common ground: you’re both annoying

If you hadn’t picked up on it in previous posts, I don’t like Obama. He annoys me. Democrats annoy me. Unfortunately, Republicans annoy me too. Which pretty well leaves me annoyed.

Republicans: There’s nothing wrong with the president speaking to school kids. Your moral outrage isn’t justified by this basic concept.

Democrats: Get off your high horse. You protested when Papa Bush did the same thing, and when the great satan Reagan did it. If it was wrong then, it’s wrong now. Obviously vice versa is true. If it was okay for Bush and Reagan to do it, Republicans shouldn’t have a fit now.

Republicans: Read the speech, there’s nothing wrong in it. No I don’t think it’s amazing, but Obama is probably never going to impress me.

Democrats: The lesson plans? Yeah, those were a misstep, at best. You shouldn’t be asking kids what they are going to do to help Obama. Obama is there to help them. The president is a servant, we’re not his.

Republicans: You can’t be constantly enraged. If you’re mad about every little thing Obama does, it’s going to be a sucky 3-7 years for you. And the independents aren’t going to listen when you have something more substantial to gripe about. You’re going to be the little boy that cried mofo.

Democrats: Yeah, the lesson plans were poor wording on an optional lesson plan. But the reason the Republicans are mad is because it’s an example of the cult of personality developing around your guy. I think a more blatant example is this video. Doing the things the celebrities advocate: fine. Serving the nation: fine. Pledging to Obama: not fine. And celebrities, shut up. Go make movies, not youtube videos. Except you Jason Bateman, you’re still awesome and can do whatever you want.

Anyway, hopefully I was equally annoying to both parties. I think the best way to get people involved, and “be the change” is to make the whole process more inviting.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Officially Creepy

You know you’re getting old when a stake representative asks for you by name to create a haunted house for the Halloween activity. My roommate and I are the creepiest people in the stake. We are the creepy old men.

Well, I may as well give them what they want.

However, I’m a bit at a loss. The scariest houses/alleys/corn mazes I’ve been too rely on gore and satanic imagery to creep out patrons, mixed with workers startling people. I don’t think I can use much gore or diabolic elements, and I’m not going to have an army of startlers. So internet, I need your help. Apart from having my roommate and myself asking girls for dates, how else can we make our house scary? (This is for YSAs, not kiddies btw. Even I draw the line somewhere.)

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

What are we doing tonight Brain?

The reason Denmark hasn't been able to take over the world: music.

Name a Danish band.


Unfortunately, you can name some. They’re just embarrassing.

This band is Danish.

This band is Danish.
You probably thought it was the first band, but in fact it’s a separate Danish band that sounds exactly like the first band.

This band is Danish. It’s kind of like the first two, but a decade less annoying.

This is the best Danish band I could find.
And they’re pretty mediocre.

If you’re too lazy to follow the links, it was Aqua, Toybox, Junior Senior and The Raveonettes.

There are other bands. Like other Scandinavian countries, Denmark has thriving Death Metal and Black Metal scenes. Feel free to investigate those on your own time.

Danes, we’ll never conquer the world until we stop making sugar pop and death metal. I propose every death metal band must merge with a sugar pop group. The results couldn’t be any worse than what we’ve made thus far.