C’tait la nuit de Noel
Twas the night before Christmas and all ‘cross the stratosphere
Not a creature was stirring, except birds, bats, insects, flying squirrels and reindeer.
Santa was making good time from Paris to Marseilles
When above his head he saw a light in the sky.
When Santa awoke he was in a large silver room
With only his sleigh and a new sense of doom.
“I shouldn’t have started my cholesterol medication,
Tonight of all nights, I have no time for hallucination.”
A figure appeared as if out of the floor
He was green and short, and about three foot four.
“Greetings Earthling, or should I say Santa.
I come from Mars, my name is Boon’yanta.”
“Boon’yanta my friend, I hate to be impolite,
I’d sit and chat were it any other night,
But I’ve only just started, and really must roll,
Kids need their gifts, and France needs its coal.”
The little green man crossed his arms and his face
From the floor appeared two more of his race
“You misunderstand, this is no social occasion,
You’re an important component of our coming invasion.
For a long time now we’ve been abducting, Saint Nick,
But can only collect the random drunkard or hick.
Most humans have a roofs which greatly slow our speed
We need your trans-chimney technology to proceed.”
Boon’yanta spoke clearly, each word sharp as a razor
His backup stood still, in each hand a red laser.
An encounter so close Santa Clause had never had
His gut had a feeling, it wasn’t jelly, it was bad.
“The surveillance you use, to know naughty or nice,
Our plans would expedited with such a device.
And the accelerant you use, allowing your Yuletide route,
It would greatly cut down our galactic commute.”
“I’ve heard quite enough” said Santa ”about your invasion.
I won’t warm up to your powers of persuasion,
In the Elfen Marines they called me Cold Cringle.
I won’t help you bypass one roof tile or shingle.”
“Persuade? Earthling Santa, I was only informing.
The North Pole will soon melt due to global warming.
But do us this favor, and Antarctica will be yours
Martians will even join elves in their workshop chores.”
“I’ve come to eat cookies and cheer the Earth.
I see no cookies, so get ready for some mirth.”
Ho Dasher you dash, and Blitzen you blitz.
Reindeer reign terror, stay frosty, keep your wits.”
Green Martians drew red lasers at Santa’s red suit
But were knocked to the floor with his big black boot.
Suddenly, from the floor, three more figures appeared.
Suddenly, from behind, by antlers they were speared.
A dozen more fired lasers, too frantic to aim.
Rudolph’s nose burned crimson and they burst into flame.
Santa swung his sack round like a great morning-star
And Martians went flying, some near, some far.
Boon’yanta saw the ash of his brethren fall down like snow
“Reports said you were jolly! How could we know?”
The sack of toys still spinning, now Santa hurled
“Not when you declare war on my world.”
The bag hit squarely, with both a thud and a crunch
As Santa looked on the reindeer finished off the bunch.
From a stocking on his belt he drew a pine cone
From which sprung a tree as soon as twas thrown.
Santa strode ‘cross the floor and as he picked up his sack,
He heard faintly “Let me phone home, I’ll call off the attack.”
“One night a year I visit two billion children or more,
This year I’ll visit Mars for the other three sixty four.”
The tree had kept growing and burst through the ceiling
The ship lurched downward, shaking and reeling
Through the ceiling slipped Santa, sleigh, reindeer and all
As the ship crashed down; the Arc de Triomphe broke its fall.
Dusting Martian from his shoulder and looking to the stars
Santa vowed as he left “Tonight, Christmas. Tomorrow Mars.”
The UFO’s burning wreckage made a true City of Light
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”