Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Valentine's Poem

I've been informed that my blog can come across sexist. This is likely a combination of a tongue-in-cheek style combined with unconsciously being sexist. Today however it is intentional, as I have created a horrible "poem" to celebrate the day.

Flattery Will Get You Nowhere

Girls are the worst.
They’re petty, boring, self centered, fickle and fragile.
But for the most part, you’re not.

It’s almost like you’re not a girl at all.
I’m not saying that you’re manly, per se.
Mannish maybe.

My null hypothesis regarding us,
No, my thesis statement regarding you and I together,
I’m not sure of your level of education, nevermind.

Like all women, you confuse me.
But it’s a pleasant confusion, like your stomach on a rollercoaster.
Or sniffing glue, or so I’ve heard.

I like your face.
I don’t want to seem superficial, sexist or immature.
So I’ll leave it at that.

I could compliment other body parts, but I won’t.
I’ve seen a lot of women, some brain-blisteringly attractive.
So I’m something of an expert; well qualified to judge.

I’m not going to say that with you I’m never bored.
But I’m bored much less than when I am with other girls.
And I suspect that this trend will continue.

With you I feel no dread,
No sense of impending doom,
At worst uncertainty.

But I have a great imagination,
And I have a hard time imagining us worse off
Than we are right now.

In a box of crayons, you’d be Red and I Green,
Christmas is most definitely my favorite holiday.
My friend Jimmy would be Purple.

To be honest, you’d make my life worse in many ways.
I’d have less time to myself, less money, and I’d have to give up other women.
But I think it would be worth it.

You’re better than rainbows, flowers, kittens, babies and shopping.
As a disclaimer, I don’t really like any of those things, but you do, I’m sure.
And if I like you more than things you like, that’s a lot, right?

I had this great dog, and I like you better than him.
I saved up for this fancy GPS, and I like you better than it.
I like liberty, as far as ideals go, and you’re better.

You are the most beautiful girl, that I think that I can get.
I’ve tried others who are objectively more attractive, by popular convention.
But practically speaking, you’re the most beautiful.

I should wrap up, as I don’t want your head getting too big.
Would you like to go out / make out / spend your life with me?
If not, is one of your roommates home?


katilda said...

i think it is perfect, and reminds me of a book called the Unvalentine. it's a favorite. it also reminds me of The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.

LaurenHoya said...

I am cracking up so hard. I love it. I want to be that girl.

Amy-Alisa said...

You had a dog?

Ranteumptom said...

the poem is not autobiographical.

Matt D said...

A practical poet ... well spoken.